倉鼠的風箏（下）｜Hamster’s Kite (II)
文／圖：英美語文學系 柯景翎｜Text/ Picture: Wendy Ke, Department of English
指導老師：英美語文學系 蔡淑芬 教授｜Advisor: Professor Shu-Fen Tsai, Department of English
倉鼠的風箏（上）｜Hamster’s Kite (I)
文／圖：英美語文學系 柯景翎｜Text/ Picture: Wendy Ke, Department of English
指導老師：英美語文學系 蔡淑芬 教授｜Advisor: Professor Shu-Fen Tsai, Department of English
The Last Guardian｜最後的守護者
國立東華大學英美語文學系
112學年度曾珍珍教授紀念獎學金—英文短文獎得獎作品｜
112 Academic Year Award-winning English Essay of Prof. Chen-chen Tseng Memorial Scholarship,
Department of English, National Dong Hwa University
The storm had raged for three weeks before giving way to a fragile calm. A small figure against the vast white expanse, Lily threaded her way through the frozen forest. Her blond hair caught the occasional glint of sunlight; her blue eyes darted warily among the shadows cast by snow-laden branches.
暴風雪肆虐了三個星期後，終於迎來了一片狼藉中吹彈可破的短暫寧靜。在漫山遍野的白茫茫裡，莉莉穿梭在冰雪森林裡的身影顯得格外渺小。陽光偶爾灑落在她的金髮上，顯得閃閃發亮，她的藍眼睛在積雪的樹枝陰影間小心翼翼地來回掃視。
The wind whipped around her, its icy fingers whispering, “Coming into the woods again, huh?”
風像冰冷的手指從她身旁呼嘯低語而過：「又來樹林了，嗯？」
Lily shivered but made herself gaze up at the sun, its light fighting to penetrate the thick blanket of snow. Just then, a wolf with a bushy tail sprang into her path and turned into a tall, stern-looking man with furrowed brows.
莉莉打了個寒顫，但還是勉強抬起頭仰望太陽，看見陽光正奮力地穿透厚厚的雪被。就在這時，一隻尾巴毛茸茸的狼竄到了她的面前，變成一名身材高大、表情嚴肅、眉頭緊鎖的男人。
“What are you doing here?” Wilson’s voice was a low growl laced with concern. “It is still cold and dangerous enough for you.”
「你在這裡做什麼？」威爾森低沉的嗓音夾雜著擔憂。「這裡對妳來說還是太冷太危險了。」
“I’m looking for that little fairy I found before the snowstorm,” Lily uttered. She brushed past him without another word deeper into the forest, and Wilson trailed after her.
「我正在尋找暴風雪前發現的小精靈。」莉莉說道。接著她便不願多說，逕自從威爾森身旁走過，繼續朝森林深處走去，威爾森只能緊隨其後。
Soon they reached a small, lively meadow amidst an otherwise white forest. It was then that Lily’s eyes widened, as she spotted the small fairy glowing softly atop a sunflower, which stood out starkly against the snowy backdrop. As Lily stepped into the field, she felt that, indeed, it seemed to warm up just a bit here. The fairy remained curled and not moving.
很快他們便來到一片生氣蓬勃的小草地，周圍都是白雪皚皚的森林。這時，莉莉突然睜大雙眼，因為她看見了那位小精靈在一朵向日葵上微微發亮，在一片雪白背景下顯得格外醒目。當莉莉走進草地時，她感覺到這裡的確更加暖和些。小精靈依舊蜷縮著，一動也不動。
“He’s still hibernating,” Wilson said now with a softer voice. “This used to be a haven for fairies. However, one day, humans learned their powers, hunters started to come, and the last leader of this colony sacrificed his last miracle to protect this place, leaving his only son to remain.”
「他還在冬眠。」威爾森用更溫柔的語氣說道。「這裡曾經是精靈們的避難所，但是當人類知道了他們的能力，獵人就開始來了，末代精靈領袖犧牲他最後的奇蹟保全了此地，只留下他唯一的兒子。」
The petals of the sunflower opened up, and once more, the fairy came into view. Lily stared at him—with hope and sadness in her eyes. The warmth surrounded her, and soon enough, she dozed off. Feeling that she was falling asleep, Wilson transformed into a wolf and got down next to her, providing a place for her head. At dusk's arrival, the first snowflake started falling again. Every faint sound was heard through the ears of Wilson.
隨著向日葵的花瓣綻放，精靈再次映入眼簾。莉莉凝視著他，眼底充滿著希望與悲傷。不一會兒，周圍的暖意讓她昏昏欲睡。威爾森發覺莉莉快睡著了，變身為狼趴在她的身旁，讓她的頭枕在自己身上。黃昏來臨，第一片雪花再次飄落。每一個細小微弱的聲音，威爾森都聽得一清二楚。
“Time to head back home now. You should leave before the snow becomes heavier or else your grandma would be worried,” Wilson said as he gently woke Lily up. With the little girl rubbing her eyes, Wilson lowered his body, inviting the girl to mount his back.
「該回家了，妳該在雪變大之前離開，不然妳的奶奶會擔心的。」威爾森一邊說著，一邊輕輕地喚醒莉莉。小女孩揉著眼睛，威爾森低下身讓女孩爬上他的背。
Lily tidied herself up and walked past Wilson. “No thanks, I know the way back home. I don’t need your help.” She kept the death of her grandma a secret.
莉莉整理好自己，從威爾森身邊走過。「不用了，我知道回家的路。我不需要你的幫助。」她對奶奶的死守口如瓶。
Yet Wilson followed silently behind her and guarded her back to her wooden shack. Upon seeing her walking into the shack, Wilson felt a load of weight off his mind but that didn’t last long.
但威爾森依舊默默地跟在她身後，守護著她回到小木屋。威爾森看到莉莉走進小屋後覺得如釋重負，但這種感覺並沒有持續太久。
“Where’s the intruder?” Wilson’s voice growled, straining his senses to their height.
「入侵者在哪裡？」威爾森低聲咆哮，竭力提升他所有的感知能力。
“From the south, your highness,” the wind whispered back.
「從南方來的，陛下。」風輕聲回答。
Wilson bounded across to the southern rim of the forest. He was smacked with a weird giddy smell and before he could even process his thoughts, he fell into the snow.
威爾森朝著森林的南邊奔躍而去，但是他被一股怪異的氣味薰得暈頭轉向，還未來得及反應就摔進了雪地裡。
When Wilson recovered, he was once again in the warm meadow. This time, the fairy hovered around him, its small wings gleaming.
當威爾森恢復神智時，他又回到了那片溫暖的草地上。這一次，精靈在他身邊盤旋，小翅膀閃閃發光。
“Ah, Noah. How was your ‘hibernation’?” Wilson stood up, a mix of relief and frustration in his voice.
「啊，諾亞。你『冬眠』得怎麼樣？」威爾森站起身，聲音裡參雜釋然和挫折。
“Didn’t you tell me to stay asleep whenever Lily came?” Noah responded with an amused hint in his tone.
「你不是告訴我每次莉莉來時，我都要保持沉睡嗎？」諾亞的語氣中帶著一絲愉悅。
“Yeah, because it seems like she cares about you more than she does about me,” Wilson shot back.
「是啊，因為比起我，她似乎更在乎你。」威爾森反駁道。
“No surprise there,” Noah said as he sneered. “I can grant miracles. You’re just a werewolf who can offer company.”
「這沒什麼好驚訝的。」諾亞冷笑著說。「我能賜予奇蹟，而你是一個只能提供陪伴的狼人。」
For centuries, Noah, the ancient guardian of the forest, had seen everything that transpired in his forest. Wilson was a much more recent arrival who became co-guardian after most of Noah’s fairies fell to hunters. With Noah unable to leave, protector and scout duties fell to Wilson’s shoulders. Today, however, something in his gut told him that fairy hunters were prowling once more around the forest.
幾個世紀以來，諾亞作為古老的森林守護者，見證了在這片森林裡發生的一切。而威爾森是在大部分的精靈被獵人捕獲後，最近才來到這裡成為共同守護者。由於諾亞無法離開，保護和巡邏的任務就落在了威爾森的肩上。但是，今天威爾森的直覺告訴他，精靈獵人又在森林周圍徘徊了。
Days later, Wilson detected that smell again and waded closer, holding his breath. He spotted a shadow—a child, he’d say, with a shotgun and aimed directly at him. The shot rang out before he could evade.
幾天後，威爾森再次嗅到了那股氣味，他屏住呼吸涉水靠近。他看到了一個陰影—是一個孩子，手中握著一把獵槍，正對準他。槍聲在他來不及閃避前響起。
As the child approached the fallen wolf, she removed her hood, revealing shining blond hair and piercing blue eyes. She glanced toward the heart of the forest as she began to reload her weapon, leaving an empty glass jar in her pocket.
當那孩子走近倒下的狼時，她脫下了兜帽，露出了閃亮的金髮和銳利的藍眼睛。她朝森林深處瞥了一眼，開始重新裝填武器，口袋裡留著一個空玻璃罐。
英文作者｜Author：英美語文學系 許芷涵｜Chih-Han (Kelly) Hsu, Department of English
中文譯者｜Translator：英美語文學系 柯景翎｜Wendy Ke, Department of English
Way Back Home｜回家之路
國立東華大學英美語文學系
109學年度曾珍珍教授紀念獎學金—英文短文獎得獎作品｜
109 Academic Year Award-winning English Essay of Prof. Chen-chen Tseng Memorial Scholarship,
Department of English, National Dong Hwa University
On February 5th, 2020, I ran away to Changsha Airport with my father by driving the car at night. I still feel terror-stricken when I recall this experience. My parents worked in Mainland China, Hubei, where the coronavirus originated. After a year-long preparation, I finished my college entrance examination and visited them in January. Unfortunately, Happy New Year went along with a terrible outbreak of the epidemic. My father tried his best to send me back to Taiwan. We slept in the car for almost 4 days to wait for my flight. My father was relieved when I finally boarded the plane. However, we didn’t know that this was the beginning of a nightmare.
二零二零年二月五號的這一天，我和爸爸連夜開車逃到長沙機場。現在回想這一切，我還是很激動和害怕。我的父母在中國的湖北省工作，也就是新冠肺炎的起源地，經歷了一年多的備考時間，在學測完試之後，我終於可以在一月時去湖北省探望我的家人。但不幸的是，疫情隨著新年的到來開始爆發。為此，爸爸盡全力想要把我送回台灣。為了等待我的航班，我們幾乎四天都睡在車上。當我終於登機的那一刻，爸爸如釋重負，殊不知這一切才是惡夢的開始。
To transfer to another plane to Taoyuan, I landed at Xiamen Airport (due to the pandemic, the Taiwan Government issued orders to implement border control). Airport customs and police forced every passenger to scan a special QR code that could show the places you had stayed in the past 14 days. The scan showed that I had stayed in Hubei, so immediately, I was temporarily detained in an interrogation room in the airport. I could not even speak there. They detained me and deliberately caused me to miss my flight. I was so frightened that I wanted to cry. Inside the room, I suffered alone in silence. People outside the room disputed where I should go. I knew nothing about this city, and I was helpless.
為了能夠抵達桃園機場，我需要在廈門轉機（由於疫情，台灣政府下達指令進行航班管制）。廈門機場的海關和警察，強制要求每一位下機的乘客，掃描一個特殊的QR code。這個QR code可以顯示你過去十四天內的所有活動足跡。當我掃描時， QR code顯示過去的十四天內我曾待在湖北。我立刻被帶走並暫時扣留在機場的審訊室。在那裡我幾乎說不出話來，他們把我扣留在審訊室裡並故意拖延時間讓我錯過轉機的航班。我那時害怕到很想大哭，在審訊室裡，只有我一個人和一片死寂。我依稀可以聽到其他人在門外爭執著應該讓我去哪裡的討論聲。對於廈門這個城市我一無所知，而我卻孤身一人。
Eventually, the police took me to the ambulance, which had waited outside the airport. They said they would let me take the next flight the next morning. However, when I arrived at the hotel, the driver dragged my luggage out and told me that I had to stay in this quarantine hotel for 14 days. People around me all dressed like biochemical warriors. Did I look like a virus? I was freaking out and clutching the door of the ambulance. I knew if I unclasped my fingers, I might lose a chance to go back home. I must go home before April because of the interview with the professor at my dream university.
最終，航警把我送上了早已在外等候多時的救護車。他們說會讓我搭明天早上的班機回台灣，但當我搭著救護車來到飯店時，才被司機告知我必須在集中隔離飯店待滿十四天才能離開，而我的行李也被司機拖下了車。穿得像生化戰士的人們圍著我，讓我不禁懷疑：我看起來像病毒嗎？我被嚇到不知所措，只是緊緊抓著救護車的門，不肯下車。我心裡很清楚，如果我放開手，很可能就失去回家的機會，甚至會失去之後四月份去理想大學面試的機會。
I can hardly remember the details of that night, but the feeling of helplessness has left a deep imprint in my mind. I was crying and calling the people whom I knew for help. My parents and my relatives in Taiwan were all shocked. My aunt advised me not to get off the ambulance. I knew she was right, but who could help me then? Distant water does not put out a nearby fire. I was forced to stay in the hotel for 14 days until March.
我其實已經不太記得那晚的細節了，但沒有人可以幫你的那種無助感，讓我永遠無法忘記。只記得我那時候邊哭邊打給所有認識的人尋求幫助，我的父母和在台灣的家人都很震驚。我姑姑一直告訴我千萬不要下救護車，我知道她說的是對的，但那時候有誰可以幫我？遠水救不了近火，最後我被迫在飯店隔離了十四天，在廈門滯留到了三月。
Desperate disappointment always comes first when there seems to be some hope. When I eventually finished my quarantine, I got a phone call from the Straits Exchange Foundation (SEF). They informed me that I wasn’t permitted to go back to Taiwan because my name got a red remark on the airport list of people who were banned from entering Taiwan. SEF promised they would try their best to help me go back home, but the date was uncertain. When I heard about it, I could barely stand and burst into tears, just like a tight string that suddenly broke. The hope of going back home after quarantine always supported me and gave me some strength, but now what could I do, and who could help me? I wandered around Xiamen alone for almost two weeks. I had no choice but to wait for the Taiwan government to issue a permit.
當你滿懷希望的時候，最先到來的卻是至深的絕望。在我終於解除隔離的時候，我接到海峽交流基金會（海基會）的來電。他們說由於我的名字在台灣的入境禁止名單上並且被標記為紅色，因此我現在仍然不能回到台灣。海基會告訴我，他們會盡最大的努力協助我，但卻無法保證我能夠回到台灣的日期。聽到這個消息的時候，我忍不住大哭起來，就像一根一直被繃緊的線突然斷了一樣。我一直懷抱著希望，只要熬過隔離期我就可以回家了，所以我要堅強，但現在我無能為力，也沒有人可以幫我。我別無選擇，只能繼續滯留在廈門將近兩週，等待台灣政府的入境許可。
I sincerely thank my family and friends for always caring about me and talking to me during this time. Even my teachers and classmates registered for a WeChat account to have video phone calls with me. Furthermore, all the hardworking people in SEF tried their best to accelerate the review process and put me on the priority list. Before March 20th, I got the permission to go back home. Fortunately, after a series of epidemic inspections and another 14 days of quarantine, I was safe and sound.
在這段期間，我真的非常感謝我的家人和朋友，他們一直關心和陪伴著我。甚至為了跟我視訊，學校的老師和同學們也都註冊了微信帳號。我也感謝所有海基會辛苦的工作人員，他們盡力加快我的審查進度，並把我列在優先返台名單上。在三月二十號前，我得到了返家許可。最大的幸運是，在經過一連串的防疫檢查和第二次的十四天隔離期後，我依舊安然無恙。
On April 23rd, I went to the Department of English, National Dong Hwa University, and had an interview. Moreover, I was lucky to be one of the students in the department. I couldn’t imagine how fortunate I was, as I never knew how long and challenging the way back home could be.
在四月二十三號，我來到了國立東華大學英美語文學系面試，並很榮幸成為這個系的其中一員，我無法想像這一切能如此順利，就像我從來不知道，有天回家的路會是如此的漫長和充滿挑戰。
英文作者｜Author：英美語文學系 解雯茜｜Lubby Hsieh, Department of English
中文譯者｜Translator：英美語文學系 解雯茜｜Lubby Hsieh, Department of English
The Impacts of Social Media to Mental Health｜社群媒體對於心理健康的影響
國立東華大學英美語文學系
108學年度曾珍珍教授紀念獎學金—英文短文獎得獎作品｜
108 Academic Year Award-winning English Essay of Prof. Chen-chen Tseng Memorial Scholarship,
Department of English, National Dong Hwa University
It is becoming increasingly difficult to ignore the boom of Social media and how it has become a necessity in our life. People use it for long-distance communication, entertainment, and many more. The usage is simple and versatile for all ages, and most people choose to use social media instead of phone service nowadays. But why is it important to talk about social media? Our generation is already living in a world where social media is taking over our social capability. It is crucial for the people of our generation to be knowledgeable about the impact social media could bring to our mental health and real-life sociability.
社群媒體的蓬勃發展以及它如何成為我們生活必需品的現象已愈來愈難以忽視。人們藉社群媒體進行遠距交流、娛樂等各種活動。它的使用方式對各年齡層都十分簡單多樣，以至於如今多數人更傾向使用社群媒體而非電話服務。但為什麼談論社群媒體如此重要呢？我們這一代已處在一個由社群媒體掌管我們社交能力的世界。充分了解社群媒體可能對我們的心理健康和現實生活的社交能力帶來的影響對於我們這一代來說至關重要。
When we talk about social media, we think of platforms like Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, and YouTube. People use all these applications to connect with others from different parts of the world or simply for entertainment, like memes, celebrity gossip, and funny videos. People with similar interests assembles in cyberspace where they can meet and chat. Even though operating in front of separate screens, people from different countries, languages, ages, or even lifestyles have similar interests in the online world. It’s the easiest way to connect and talk to people about things we’re passionate about, but it’s damaging to our mental health when we keep spending excessive time in the online world. Lawrence Robinson, Melinda Smith, and Jeanne Segal, authors of the article “Smartphone and Internet Addiction,” stated that maladaptive use of smartphones can disrupt sleep and cause serious effects on our mental health, memory, the ability to think clearly, and the reduction of cognitive and learning skills.
當談論社群媒體時，我們會想到Facebook、Instagram、Twitter、Snapchat和YouTube等網路平台。人們使用這些應用程式與世界各地的人互相交流，或是單純為了梗圖、名人八卦和搞笑影片一類的娛樂。擁有相同興趣的人聚集在一個可以見面和聊天的網路空間。即使是在各自的螢幕上操作社群媒體，但來自不同國家、不同語言、不同年齡層、甚至不同生活方式的人們都對網路世界有著相似的興趣。這是與人們聯繫並交流興趣最簡單的方式，然而花過多時間在網路世界會對我們的心理健康造成傷害。《智慧型手機與網路成癮》一文的作者們勞倫斯．羅賓森、梅琳達．史密斯和珍妮．席格表示，不當使用智慧型手機會影響睡眠，從而嚴重影響我們的心理健康、記憶力、思維清晰度，並降低認知和學習能力。
Another problem with it is how it grew into an obsession. Social Media provides us with bite-sized chunks of recognition from likes, followers, and comments on our posts. We are enticed to receive an acknowledgment from strangers on the other side of the world by showing filtered pictures that look different in the real world; all of that because every single person wants to look better than how they look in real life. The obsession with being perfect all the time in the internet world lowers our self-esteem in real life, resulting in a high percentage of depression, anxiety, and frustration problems in the early adolescence. It’s no exaggeration to say that our generation is on the brink of the worst mental health crisis in decades. According to American psychologist Jean Twenge, rates of teen depression and suicide have skyrocketed since 2011, and much of this deterioration can be traced to our phones. The rise of smartphones and social media has caused a great change in our lives, and it has the highest impact on the people who grew up with it. Teenagers nowadays don’t even go out as much as we used to anymore. Why should they when the entertainment and connections with friends to satisfy their boredom and loneliness are at the palm of their hands?
另一個問題是人們開始迷戀社群媒體。貼文中所獲得的按讚數、追蹤人數和留言都是社群媒體給予我們的一種小小認可。我們被引誘去獲得來自世界另一端的陌生人的認可，於是展示了套上濾鏡、看起來不像真實世界中自己的照片；這一切只因為每個人都想在社群媒體上呈現出比現實生活更好看的自己。在網路世界中一直保持完美模樣的執著降低了我們在現實生活中的自尊心，導致青春期初期的青少年們出現憂鬱、焦慮和沮喪問題的比例居高不下。說我們這一代正處於數十年來最嚴重的心理健康危機邊緣絕不誇張，根據美國心理學家瓊．特溫吉的說法，自2011年，青少年的憂鬱症狀和自殺率急劇上升，這種惡化很大程度上可溯源至我們的手機。智慧型手機和社群媒體的興起讓我們的生活產生巨大的變化，而這對於與其一同長大的人們影響最為深遠。現在的青少年甚至不像我們往年那麼常外出。何必呢？反正能消除無聊及孤獨感的休閒娛樂和與朋友的交流工具就在自己的手上。
This brings attention to sociability. Adolescence is the stage of life between childhood and adulthood. It’s the perfect phase to develop the fundamentals of biological growth and social transition. Concurrently, social media is eating away at the ability for people to connect properly in real life. Several studies show that depression can lead to negative mood, difficulty in enjoying chosen activities, and reduction of the desire for social interaction. Furthermore, some people may even feel isolated when they spend too much time alone with their phones. These symptoms will make it much worse for people to find new relationships. Excessive use of smartphones can also cause sleep deprivation, which will pose a risk to our mental health.
這引起了人們對於社交能力的關注。青春期是連接童年和成年之間的階段。這也是建立身體發育和社會性別身份轉變基礎的完美階段。同時，社群媒體正侵蝕著人們在現實生活中適當交流的能力。多項研究顯示憂鬱症會導致負面情緒、對自身選擇的活動難以樂在其中，和降低社交互動的慾望。此外，當人們花過多時間與手機獨處時，有些人甚至可能會產生孤立感。這些症狀使人們更難建立新的人際關係。過度使用智慧型手機也會導致睡眠不足，進而對我們的心理健康構成風險。
Social media has become a part of our lives, but it doesn’t mean it should control our lives. Generation Z needs to realize that there’s more than just magic screens in our lives. Getting on social media all the time just because we’re bored doesn’t seem like a good idea in the long term. Focusing on family members and friends, establishing new connections in real life, limiting screen time, or finding new hobbies can also be a solution to treat addictions to social media.
社群媒體已然成為我們生活的一部分，但這並不意味著它應該控制我們的生活。Z 世代需要意識到生活中不僅僅只有這神奇的螢幕，僅因無聊而不斷使用社群媒體從長遠看來似乎不是一個好主意。關注親朋好友、在現實生活中建立新的人際關係、控制螢幕使用時間或找尋新嗜好也可以成為治療社群媒體成癮的方法。
Works Cited
Blanco, Joel A., and Lynn A. Barnett. “The Effects of Depression on Leisure: Varying Relationships Between Enjoyment, Sociability, Participation, and Desired Outcomes in College Students.” Leisure Sciences: An Interdisciplinary Journal, vol. 36, no. 5, 2014, pp. 458-78, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/267396961_The_Effects_of_Depression_on_Leisure_Varying_Relationships_Between_Enjoyment_Sociability_Participation_and_Desired_Outcomes_in_College_Students.
Robinson, Lawrence, et al. “Smartphone and Internet Addiction.” HelpGuide.org, 2019, https://www.helpguide.org/articles/addictions/smartphone-addiction.htm.
Twenge, Jean M. 2017. “Have smartphones destroyed a generation?” The Atlantic, September issue, 2017, https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2017/09/has-the-smartphone-destroyed-a-generation/534198/.
英文作者｜Author：英美語文學系 饒欣而｜Sherlyn Feodora, Department of English
中文譯者｜Translator：英美語文學系 楊禹婕｜Kate Yang, Department of English
The Nightmare｜夢魘/惡夢
國立東華大學英美語文學系
111學年度曾珍珍教授紀念獎學金—英文短文獎得獎作品｜
111 Academic Year Award-winning English Essay of Prof. Chen-chen Tseng Memorial Scholarship,
Department of English, National Dong Hwa University
Everything seemed unreal as if I was in a dream. But at the same time, I felt I just woke up from a nightmare. Rising from the bed, I dragged my feet to the window and lowered the shade, preventing the gleaming sunlight from filling the room.
一切都好不真實，像在做夢一樣。但，同時也像是剛從惡夢中驚醒。我爬下床，拖著沉重的步伐到窗邊，將窗簾拉上，擋住灑滿房間的陽光。
After getting dressed, Fallon walked downstairs to leave for school. While passing through the kitchen, her mother stopped her, “Would you like some breakfast to go?”
換好衣服，法倫下樓準備去上學。經過廚房時，媽媽叫住她：「要不要帶早餐去學校吃？」
“She is too fat to eat anything!” Kevin, her brother, barked out a funny face.
她的弟弟凱文大聲嘲笑道：「她太胖了，不能再吃了！」
Mom lashed out, “Cool it, Kevin! She’s just…”
媽媽生氣地說：「別這樣，凱文！她只是……」
She turned to Fallon but quickly looked away. “I’m sorry” was written all over Mom’s face.
她看向法倫，但馬上移開目光。媽媽的臉上滿是歉意。
“I’ll have my breakfast to go anyway.” Fallon said, cracking a small smile while making her way to the entryway. Opening the door to leave, she overheard Mom murmuring to Kevin, “Be nice to your sister, she’s been through enough.”
「我帶早餐去吧。」法倫邊說邊努力擠出微笑，走向門口。當她打開門要離開時，聽到媽媽低聲對凱文說：「對你姊姊好一點，她所經歷的已經夠多了。」
Off Fallon went.
法倫離開了家。
Fallon was a 9th grader in junior high. Like any other student, she’s not entirely enthralled by what her school had to offer. The time that she spent with her friends during breaks was what made coming to school almost bearable. Bells rang, and class was about to start. She quickly scurried over to her seat in the classroom and noticed her best friends Leo and Crystal murmuring about something with some other classmates. Leo was sharing a rumor about their classmate Ivan.
法倫是個國三生。和其他同學一樣，她對學校的一切絲毫不感興趣。在下課和朋友們一起度過的短暫時光，使她勉強能忍受上學這件事。鐘聲響起，即將開始上課，她匆匆忙忙地走到教室的座位上，發現她的好朋友里歐和克莉絲托在和其他同學小聲地交談著。里歐正在和同學們聊伊凡的八卦。
Leo smirked, “I heard Ivan got caught making out with a college chick, and that’s why he is about to get transferred to another school.”
里歐嘲笑道：「我聽說伊凡被抓到和一個女大生親熱，所以他即將要轉學。」
Noticing Fallon, Crystal sighs and dismisses the whole thing as nonsense, “You’re making it up. You can just shut up now.”
克莉絲托發現法倫在旁邊，她嘆了口氣，並把整件事情當作無稽之談：「胡說八道，你可以閉嘴了。」
Overhearing the gossip made Fallon feel anxious and embarrassed.…
不小心聽到八卦讓法倫覺得既焦慮又尷尬......
Bells rang, and the last class was dismissed. As students put things away in their bags and left, Mr. Chen, her teacher, came over for a chat.…
下課鐘聲響起，最後一節課結束了。當學生們收拾書包準備離開時，陳老師走過來和法倫聊天......
Although Fallon didn’t remember the whole conversation, there’s one remark she held onto, it lingered and hurt like a needle stuck in her skin.
雖然法倫不太記得他們聊了什麼，但有一句話不停迴盪在她的腦海中，像針刺進身體一般，好傷她的心。
Charlie said, “If you don’t like him, you could’ve said no and just walked away.”
查理說：「如果妳不喜歡他，妳大可說不，然後走開。」
Fallon ran home crying.
法倫哭著跑回家。
Have you ever experienced a meltdown? It feels like the entire world is falling apart and there’s no way out. Sitting in the dark corner of her room, Fallon was desperately panting, almost out of breath, and covered in sweat. She cried in despair, “Mom, I don’t need your apologies. You’ve done nothing wrong. I… I just need you to take my hands and tell me everything will be okay.”
你是否經歷過崩潰？那感覺像是整個世界分崩離析，無路可逃。法倫縮在房間的角落，像是窒息一般，拚命喘氣，渾身被汗水浸濕。她絕望地哭著：「媽媽，我不需要妳的道歉。妳並沒有做錯什麼。我...我只需要妳牽著我的手，告訴我一切都會好起來。」
Everything was blurry, and she couldn’t stop crying, “It’s not like I didn’t want to push him away. Why am I to blame here? What did I do wrong?”
眼前一片模糊，她淚流不止，「根本不是我不想推開他，為什麼要怪我？我做錯了什麼？」
She noticed a note falling out of her backpack. A note from Crystal.
她發現一張紙條從背包裡掉出來，是克莉絲托寫給她的信。
“Dear Fallon,
I know that even with all of the times I’ve said you’re not alone, I couldn’t change the fact that you feel all alone and helpless. So, I hope I can make my feelings clear to you through this letter. You reached out to me when I was at my lowest. So, if you feel alone, I’ll take your hand and hug you until you complain that it’s too cheesy! I’ll always be by your side if you don’t feel like being alone, okay?
Love, Crystal.”
「親愛的法倫，
我知道，即便我不斷告訴妳，妳不是一個人，還是無法改變妳感到孤獨和無助的事實。因此，我希望能藉由這封信向妳表達我的感受。當我處於人生最低潮時，是妳向我伸出了援手，所以，如果妳感到孤獨，我會牽著妳的手，擁抱妳，直到妳嫌我太肉麻為止！如果妳不想一個人待著，我永遠都會陪在妳身邊，好嗎？
愛妳的克莉絲托。」
After reading the letter, Fallon wiped away her tears and said with composure, “It’ll be a long journey before I can move on, but now I know I’m not alone…”
讀完這封信，法倫拭去淚水，堅定地說：「走出這片黑暗的過程可能會很漫長，但現在我知道，我不是一個人......」
And I woke up. Somehow, I relived the nightmare haunting me over the last few years. Eventually, I was able to move on and finally put it behind me. Although I’m unable to erase the scar, why should I? It’s a goddamn beautiful one. For the first time since then, I’m excited about whatever the future holds for me. I pull myself from the bed, march to the window, and embrace the sunlight.
然後，我醒了過來。不知為何，過去幾年我重新經歷那揮之不去的惡夢。最終，我走出黑暗，並將它遺忘。雖然我無法抹去那道疤痕，但一定要除掉它嗎？這傷疤該死的美麗。自那時起，我第一次對未來未知的一切感到興奮。我爬下床，走向窗戶，擁抱陽光。
英文作者｜Author：英美語文學系 李丞展｜Leo Lee, Department of English
中文譯者｜Translator：英美語文學系 陳年柔｜Annabeth Chen, Department of English
布農族洪水神話傳說｜Bunun Flood Myths
五年級的Biung Taopas，以及Puni在營火旁和正在讀大學的Tuqas Pain（Tuqas 是布農語哥哥姐姐的稱呼）聊天。
Biung, Taopas, and Pubi are fifth-grade students. They are chatting with Tuqas Aping (in Bunun language, Tuqus is someone who is older than you), a college student.
Biung：「Tuqas Aping，妳說妳在英美系讀了很多神話故事，跟我們分享有趣的故事嘛。」
Biung: “Tuqas Aping, you told us that you’ve read a lot of mythical tales in English Department; could you share with us some interesting myths you have read?”
Aping：「好啊！那我來講講希臘神話的洪水故事。」
Aping: “Sure! Then let me start with the Great Flood from Greek mythology.”
這時候Qudas Ibi（Qudas是布農語對長輩的尊稱）路過，加入對話：「洪水傳說，布農族也有洪水傳說的故事啊 ！」
At this moment, Qudas Ibi (in Bunun language, Qudas is an honorable title for elder people) stops by and joins the conversation: “A flood story? Our Bunun tribe also has myths about the Great Flood.”
Aping：「Qudas Ibi，真的嗎？」
Aping: “Qudas Ibi, really?”
Puni：「有甚麼不同嗎？」
Puni: “Is there any difference?”
Qudas Ibi：「Aping，妳先講妳的版本，我看看有甚麼不一樣。」
Qudas Ibi: “Aping, you may tell your version first, and I would like to know the differences.”
Aping：「好，Qudas Ibi！」
Aping: “Sure! Qudas Ibi.”
Aping：「在很久很久以前，人類變得越來越壞，做了很多邪惡的事情。宙斯，也就是希臘神話中的天神，聽到了很多有關於人類的惡行，於是親自下來世界看看。宙斯神看到了世人的罪惡後，決定降下暴雨，用洪水消滅人類。」
Aping: “Once upon a time, people became more and more evil. When hearing the wrongdoings of mankind, Zeus, the sky god, went down in person to see what really happened on Earth. After seeing all the horrible things humans had done, Zeus decided to use a flood to wipe out human beings.”
Taopas：「喔～所以宙斯降下洪水的原因是因為人類做了許多壞事啊！Qudas Ibi，那我們布農族的洪水故事也是因為做壞事被處罰嗎？」
Taopas: “Oh, I see. So Zeus poured down the rain because humans had done many evils! Qudas Ibi, how about our Bunun myths? Were our ancestors also punished by gods for their wrongdoings?”
Qudas Ibi：「沒有餒！在我們的傳說裡，造成洪水的原因是因為有一條很大很大的蛇把溪的出口擋住了。但是在鄒族的傳說裡是一隻很大很大的鰻魚堵住了溪口，導致洪水淹沒了很高很高的山。」
Qudas Ibi: “No. In Bunun’s myths, the Great Flood resulted from the blocking of the estuary by a snake. In Tsou’s myths, it was an eel who blocked the estuary, and the very high mountains flooded.”
Biung：「Toqus Aping，後來呢？宙斯降下雨水時，大家都跑去哪裡了？」
Biung: “Toqus Aping, what happened after Zeus poured down the rain? Where did all the people run for their lives?”
Aping：「後來，河水暴漲，比颱風過後的水流還大。大水水湧上田野，猶如生氣的山豬，沖倒廟宇和房屋。不久過後，整個大地被洪水覆蓋。一群群的人類被大水沖走。有的人爬向高處，有的人駕船航行在水面上。」
Aping: “After the river surged up suddenly, it became bigger than a storm current after a typhoon. The water ran into the field like an enraged wild boar and toppled temples and houses. In no time, the whole land was flooded, and many people were washed away. Some people climbed to the high areas, while others sailed on the water.”
Taopas：「好恐怖喔！Qudas Ibi，那我們布農族人怎麼活下來的？」
Taopas: “How terrible! Qudas Ibi, how did our ancestors survive?”
Qudas Ibi：「當河水因為被堵住而越漲越高時，布農族人趕緊往山上爬，布農族人大多分布在高雄、花蓮、台東和南投。」
Qudas Ibi: “When the river rose higher and higher because the snake had blocked the estuary, Bunun people climbed up to mountains as fast as they could. At that time, most of Bunun people lived in Kaohsiung, Hualien, Taitung, and Nantou.”
Qudas Ibi：「所以洪水來臨時，有些人跑去玉山，有些人則跑到卓社大山，還有些跑到東巒大山，這些山都位於台灣的中央山脈。在逃跑的過程中，族人因為忙著逃命而忘記了帶火種。」
Qudas Ibi: “When the flood came, some people ran to Yushan Mountain, others ran to Zhuoshe Mountain, and still others ran to Dongluan Mountain. These mountains are all located in the Central Mountain Range of Taiwan. People forgot to bring tinder with them because they were busy running for their lives.”
Puni：「火種？甚麼是火種啊？Aping姐姐，希臘神話也有火種嗎？」
Puni: “Tinder? What is tinder? Toqus Aping, is there also tinder in Greek mythology?”
Aping：「火種是人類世界很重要的必需物品呢！妳看看我們面前的火，它給我們溫暖，讓我們不會冷。它也能給我們熟食，不讓我們餓肚子。火種是延續生命不可或缺的一部份呢！」
Aping: “Tinder is a necessary item in the human world. Look at the fire in front of us. It keeps us warm and keeps us from getting cold. We can use fire to cook food and to prevent us from starving. Fire is vital to us for the continuation of life.”
Aping：「在希臘神話中的火種，是一位叫做普羅米修斯的神從眾神之中偷回來給人類的。」
Aping: “In Greek mythology, fire was stolen from heaven by Prometheus, a Titan, and it was he who gave it to mankind.”
Qudas Ibi：「原來希臘神話的火種是神幫人類偷回來的啊，我們布農族的火種是靠著動物們的幫忙得到的喔！」
Qudas Ibi: “Oh! In Greek mythology, it was a god who stole fire to save humans. In our Bunun myths, it was our animal friends who helped Bunun people to get fire.”
Aping：「喔？動物們？他們幫了什麼忙啊？」
Aping: “What? Animals? What did they do for us?”
Qudas Ibi：「正當布農族人著急沒有火種時，他們發現對面遠處的高山上有還沒熄滅的火。蟾蜍自告奮勇說要游到對面帶回來。」
Qudas Ibi: “When Bunun people were worried about having no tinder, they found out that a fire had not been extinguished on the high mountain far away. A toad stood out and volunteered to swim across the river to get it.”
Qudas Ibi：「游到對面時，牠把火種背在背上，儘管背很燙並且被燒出了水泡，蟾蜍還是忍著痛背負，可惜，蟾蜍跳下水後，火種卻也跟著熄滅了，所以蟾蜍的背上才有一粒一粒的。」
Qudas Ibi: “The toad jumped into the river and swam to the place. He carried the tinder on his back. Although it was burning hot and blistered his back, the toad bore the pain and never gave up. Unfortunately, when he jumped into the river again, the tinder was put off. From then on, toads have bumps on their backs.”
Qudas Ibi：「族人見狀後便派出kaipis鳥（紅嘴黑鵯）。kaipis鳥本來是全身黑色的鳥，但由於牠用嘴巴跟爪子叼著火種，從此之後牠的嘴跟爪都變成紅色的了。族人們為了紀念牠們的功勞，便約定從此以後不能獵殺蟾蜍跟kaipis鳥。」
Qudas Ibi: “When seeing this situation, Bunun people sent a kaipis (black bulbul) to get tinder. The kaipis was originally a black bird. Because he held the tinder with his mouth and feet, his mouth and feet became red. In memory of what they had done for humans, our ancestors had an agreement that killing toads or kaipis was forbidden.”
Biung：「原來如此！Aping姐姐，那後來的洪水是怎麼消失的呢？」
Biung: “Ah! I got it now. Then how did the flood recede in Greek myths? ”
Aping：「在宙斯降下洪水之前，有一對夫婦分別叫做丟卡利翁和皮拉，他們事先得到了警告，所以他們很早就造了一座很大的船。他們是世界上最善良的人。」
Aping: “Before the flood, a couple, Deucalion and Pyrrha, had been warned in advance because they were kind and virtuous. They had built a large boat and survived.”
Aping：「當宙斯看到這善良的夫妻時，他決定用大風驅散濃濃的烏雲。終於，天空出現了藍藍的天空，大地也再一次被太陽照射。因著這對夫妻，人類得以繁衍下去。」
Aping: “Seeing this couple, Zeus decided to scatter the thick dark clouds with strong winds. The sky finally became clear, and the sun shone upon the Earth. Humanity continued to thrive because of this couple.”
Qudas Ibi：「哇！那一定是很大的luvluv（風）。」
Qudas Ibi: “Wow! That must be a mighty luvluv (wind).”
Qudas Ibi：「在我們布農族的傳說裡面，洪水的消退是一隻大螃蟹的幫忙。當大螃蟹看到蛇擋住了出海口時，他向蛇提出了挑戰，要各自咬對方一下。」
Qudas Ibi: “In our Bunun legend, the flood receded because of a large crab. When the crab saw a snake blocking the outlet to the sea, it challenged the snake to give each other a bite.”
Qudas Ibi：「蛇先咬了螃蟹一口，但是螃蟹擁有堅硬的外殼所以沒有受傷。接著螃蟹用螯夾住蛇的身體，蛇因著疼痛而捲起身體逃跑。」
Qudas Ibi: “The snake gave the crab a bite, and then the crab used its pincers to clamp hard on the snake’s body. The crab’s hard shell protected him from being hurt, but the snake curled up in pain and fled.”
Qudas Ibi：「蛇所跑的路徑也成為了彎彎曲曲的山谷。洪水退去，布農族人於是下山重新建立家園。」
Qudas Ibi: “The path the snake took became the winding valleys. As the flood receded, the Bunun people came down from the mountains and rebuilt their homes.”
Aping：「真有趣！原來布農族也有洪水故事喔！Qudas Ibi下次再講多一點故事嘛！」
Aping: “This story is fascinating! I didn’t know the Bunun tribe had their own flood myths. Qudas Ibi, I’d love to hear more stories from you next time!”
Qudas Ibi：「好啊！Biung，Taopas，Puni，你們下次可以帶朋友一起來聽啊。」
Qudas Ibi: “Sure! Biung, Taopas, Puni, feel free to invite your friends to join us for more storytelling.”
Biung，Taopas，以及Puni異口同聲地說：「Uu（好）！」
Biung, Taopas, and Puni all agreed. “Uu (good)!” they said together.
文／圖：英美語文學系 高潔柔、高聖潔｜Text/ Picture: Abus and Uli, Department of English
指導老師：英美語文學系 蔡淑芬 教授｜Advisor: Professor Shu-Fen Tsai, Department of English
“國立東華大學英美語文學系
曾珍珍教授紀念獎學金 - 短文投稿”
The Sound｜聲響
Right after a four-hour class, my classmates and I were starving and eagerly to have lunch, so we went to the student dining table. When I was about to buy something for lunch, a low voice from the grooming dark warned me to take the picture back. "What picture?" I asked. I don't understand what you mean, and certainly sure that I have never taken any of your pictures!" I shouted furiously to make myself get rid of the scare. The voice did not reply to me. I looked around, but somehow it seemed like nobody heard this voice. Everyone was chatting cheerfully and enjoying the meal. Confused, I assumed what just happened as I was not getting enough sleep. As I was going to have my food, someone from the unknown dragged my hand to the tiny room where we put our cleaning tools. In the room, several little strawmen were on the shelf of the sink. Some were dancing while others were staring at me, all seemingly unreal. Beside the sink, a man in black appeared in front of me. He held my hand and took me under some dashing brightness. I could barely open my eyes; all I could see was white. The man who brought me here was gone, and I stood there speechless. I had no idea where I was, nor where the picture was. All I could do was stand there for a moment until the fog dissolved. Then, I did know that I was at a department store.
在四小時的課程之後，我同學與我飢腸轆轆且渴望著享用午餐，因此我們便去學生餐廳。當我正要買點什麼當作午餐時，一個來自黑暗中的低沉聲音要我還回照片。「什麼照片？」我問。「我並不理解你說的，且我確信我從未拍下任何有關你的照片！」我狂怒似地大喊著以試圖驅趕我的恐懼。那聲音並未回應我。我環顧四周，但看似無人發覺這聲音。所有人歡欣地聊著天並享用著餐點。真使人困惑，我猜測那可能僅是我睡眠不足罷了。當我要開動時，不知從何而來地攫著我的手，並將我帶到我們放置掃具的斗室。在房間裡，些許稻草人在洗手台架上。有些正與他人舞蹈著而有些正注視著我，全看似好不真實。在洗手台旁，一襲全黑的男人在我面前出現。他抓著我的手並帶我到某處刺眼明亮的地方。我幾乎無法張開雙眼；張眼所見皆為一片白。帶我至此的男人消失了，我不發一語地佇立在那。我對身處何處毫無頭緒、也不知相片道地是什麼。我能做的僅剩佇立在那等待謎霧散去。接著，我才知道原來我在百貨商場。
My junior high school teacher was standing in front of the apparel shop, waving her hand toward me “Wendy!” Hollered my teacher, jumping up and down. “Come here! Look at these fine dresses. You should try them on.” Then, she put a stack of clothes in my arms and pushed me to the apparel room. I stood in the apparel room, looked around, and started to change my outfit. I remembered holding something, maybe it was a picture, but I left it in the apparel room. My teacher was still shopping, but I felt like wandering around. Just in a moment, I found myself was transformed into a male without reason. Then, I encountered a group of teenagers. Some of them were my junior high school classmates. They were playing at the corner next to an elevator. I joined them. We were shouting, making some shrilling sounds, and having fun as if we were just born yesterday. However, an ugly and grumpy woman came toward us. “WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE!” Her croaky voice filled the department store. “All of you are responsible for what you have done. Here is the chance for you to avoid punishment from the owner of this store. Memorize these vocabularies in thirty minutes and draw a picture where all these words can be well hidden!” After finishing, she then stood beside the list with those words. Everyone was forced to memorize as many vocabularies as possible. However, shame on me—I could hardly remember any words on the list.
我的國中老師站在服飾店前，揮舞著她的手：「溫蒂！」她喊著，上下跳動著。「過來！看這些好看的裙子。你真應該試試。」接著，她塞了一堆衣服到我手裡，並推我進入服飾店。我站在服飾店裡，四周環顧，並開始喚起我的穿著。我記得我手握著什麼，可能就是那張照片，但我將它留在服飾店。我的老師仍在購物，但我開始四處閒晃。在須臾之間，我發現我自己無來由地變成了男性。接著，我遇到一群青少年。他們之中有些人是我的國中同學。他們在電梯旁的角落玩耍。我加入他們。我們大喊，發出一些尖銳聲響，一同享樂宛如初生。但，有位醜陋兇悍的婦人向我們走來。「你們在這做什麼！」她低沈且沙啞的嗓音迴盪整間百貨。「你們要為你們的所作所為負責，這有個機會讓你們逃離商場主人的懲罰：在三十分鐘內記下這些單字並將這些可以被隱藏的字詞畫下來！」結束後，她仍站在那些字詞列表旁。所有人開始盡可能地記憶這些單字。然而，真丟臉，我卻記不得表上的任何字。
Time was up, and the list was gone. Each of us was forced to stand in front of the wall. "Don't ever dare to look at others' works, or you will die," said the woman. Clapboards separated us right after she finished her words. Everyone began to draw things on the wall. I knew everyone did as commanded since I heard the rustling sound. The woman was pacing back and forth behind us while the ticking sound started to speed up. I knew I had no time to waste, and I needed to draw something so that I wouldn't get punished. Yet, the harder I tried to refresh the words, the fewer words I could recall. Feeling frustrated and hopeless, I decided to peep at others’ works as long as the woman was not looking. I thought I made it perfectly, and I was confident that she wouldn't notice. Whereas things didn’t go my way, I got caught. I saw her eyes look directly at me. Fear seized me, for I knew what would happen because those who got caught would vanish in a second. I saw her walking toward me, but I didn't want to die. My heartbeat pumped as if it wanted to break through my chest, and my face turned red like a pomegranate. My hands started to get cold, and my mind drew a blank. I was about to shake like jelly, but I had to pretend there was nothing wrong with me. As she came closer to me, the only phrase that came into my mind was “I DON’T WANT TO DIE!”
時間到，單字表也跟著消失。我們被迫站在牆前。「別肖想看其他人的答案，不然你就死定了。」女人說道。在她說完後隔板便將我們分離。所有人開始在牆上畫東西。我知道所有人皆依照要求做事，因為我聽見了沙沙作響。我知道我沒有時間蹉跎，我需要畫點東西才不會被受到懲罰。然而，我愈是要回憶起單字，我愈想不起字詞。在絕望失意之下，我決定在女人沒發現的情況下偷看其他人的作品。我以為我能完美做到，且我有信心我不會被她發現。但事情並非如我所想，我被抓到了。我看見她雙眼直視著我。恐懼佔據了我，因我知道再來會發生什麼事：那些被抓到的都會在轉瞬間消失。我看見她向我走來，我的臉變得如石柳一樣紅。我的手開始發冷、心轉為一片空白。我開始如果凍一般顫抖，但我得裝出什麼事都沒發生過一樣。當她接近我時，浮現在我心中的一句話只有「我不想死！」
英文作者 Author｜柯景翎 Chingling Ko
中文譯者 Translator｜王豫 Wang-Yu
“國立東華大學英美語文學系
曾珍珍教授紀念獎學金 - 短文投稿”
Lost in Time｜所逝為時
The afternoon sun glared at the town of Momentos, casting a shadow over the street of Long-gone. Here the old man turned his head, sighing to the wilted petals that once bloomed the last color of rainbow. The clock struck four, what for? The streets were empty for all but the echoes that follow: those of a summer’s dream, and those of a winter’s tempest. He walked on ahead, always turning backwards; leaving the shadows of the street behind, yet never leaving the street. What do they call those whose souls move on, only leaving their mind and other remnants behind? His heavy steps dragged along the gravel, bearing the weight of all those he had left behind. “If only,” it was that simple, echoed through the winded alleyways, through the throes of his own mind.
午後斜陽照射著俄頃之村，為長逝之路蒙上一層陰影。老人在此回頭，為曾綻放彩虹最後一道顏色的花瓣嘆息。時針指向四時，究竟為了什麼？街坊不見人，卻聞音聲迴響：那些夏夜之夢，與那些凜冬風雨。他走著，永遠都在回頭；在身後留下街坊的陰影，卻永遠未曾離去。他們究竟稱呼這些靈魂起身，卻徒留心靈與其他遺留物的人什麼呢？他沉重的步伐拖行著砂礫，承受著那些他所遺留的重量。「若是，」如此簡單，回音穿過起風了的窄街，穿過他劇痛的心。
Suddenly, seemingly afraid of being caught by his own shadow, he made a beeline for Hereafter, never once stopping to admire a single view. The clock will soon strike two more hours before the tenth hour. Every step would bring him an impending feeling of responsibility, as if his two feet were laying the foundations of the pavement. Almost like the steps of a bear on thin ice, almost too afraid to move, but oh, how reality calls. Every now and then, he would quicken his pace. Along endless narrows and inclines in the streets, he will run, running and forever losing his breath in the wind. Is he afraid that he couldn’t catch up? When will he ever catch up? The answer will forever be shrouded in mystery, along with the object of pursuit.
突然間，看似害怕被他自己的影子攫獲，他直線走向迄今，為曾駐足欣賞任何景色。時鐘將在十點之前多前近兩小時。每一步都帶給他一種迫在眉梢的責任感，如同他的雙腳正倚在路面上。幾乎等同如履薄冰，也幾乎如重足而立。但噢，現實又是如何回應的。每時每刻，他都加快腳步，在無盡攀升的窄巷之中，他將跑著，跑著並在風中永遠失去他的氣息。難道是他害怕被抓到嗎？他又會何時被抓到？答案將永遠成為謎團，偕同所追尋之物。
At once, he stops. In front of a window he stands. Contemplating what he has and what he hasn’t. As the clock strikes the final hour, he turns and walks in. Pacing up and down the aisles, from choice to choice- from time worn trinkets to the advertisements of the upcoming, stopping only at one. “A gift,” it reads. No promises it makes to make “a life worth living,” nor does it offer immediate happiness and satisfaction for a sum. The gift stands on the shelf, good as new; old as dust. Touching the gift gives off such an indescribable feeling: a sudden rush of adrenaline, an energetic air, a melancholic ooze, a burnt and tired aftertaste. At the counter, the man offers to purchase the gift, undermining its value; for the gift has none, yet it is the most prized possession one can ever hold on the face of the earth. The clerk smiles and with a “thank you,” vanishes into the remaining dust. The man exits the store with a gift in hand, breathing in the fragrance that now surrounds the air. Looking back he can see that the shop, with the moonlight barely glancing off the reflection behind the counter, now positively gleams with a new possibility. A nightingale calls with the finding of a new day, the moon can be seen rivaling the sun in its glory, and the only being in between all of this is he. A sense of being, of being in the Moment, rises up inside of the man. With a newfound lightness in his step, the man walks on towards the streets of Yet-to-be, only stopping some to look back towards Lane Memoir E.
有一次，他停下腳步。在窗前他駐足，思忖著那些他是與其不是。當時鐘指向最後一刻，他轉身進入。在走道間穿梭，在選擇之間——從身著廉價首飾的時間至將來之物的廣告，僅佇足過一次而已。「一個禮物，」它寫道。不鞥成諾會將「生活值得過下去」，也並未將生活的總和注入立即性的幸福與滿足。禮物矗立在架上，質如新，舊如塵。觸碰禮物則帶來一種難以言喻的感受：一種突然爆發地腎上腺素、一種有活力的氣息、致人憂鬱的滲流、以及精疲力竭的餘韻。在櫃檯，男人買下了禮物，貶低了其價值；因為禮物無物，卻是地球上任一人皆無法正眼面對的價值之物。銷售員微笑、說聲「謝謝」，並消逝在塵埃之中。男人手持禮物在店裡，呼吸著帶有芬芳的空氣。回頭張望，他看見月光照射在收銀台之後，閃爍著可能性的光輝。夜鶯在尋找嶄新一天時高歌、月亮在其光輝中與太陽相媲美，在這其中的唯一存有即是他。一種存有感、存有於此刻的感覺、在男人內心升起。邁著全新的輕盈步伐，男人走向將至之路，僅停下幾步路回過頭看回憶Ｅ之道。
英文作者 Author｜陳聿芊 Yuchien Chen
中文譯者 Translator｜王豫 Wang-Yu
“國立東華大學英美語文學系
110學年度曾珍珍教授紀念獎學金 -
英文短文獎得獎作品”
Bright Days｜美好的時光
1.
1.
The sky is cloudy. A house with red rooftop annoyingly sits itself in the middle of fields of crops. Although it is not shabby at all, violent yellowish cracks can be clearly seen between the different windows. Frogs in fields and cicadas on trees make mocking-like shrill noise.
陰天，紅屋頂的屋子病懨懨的座落在種滿莊稼的田中央。它並不破舊，但仍可以從一定的距離辨識出窗與窗之間一道道銳利鮮明的黃色裂痕。田間的蛙與蟬鳴此起彼落發出尖銳不已的笑聲。
“You dumb stupid idiot. It’s right there, next to the milk. What’s in your brain? Shit?” Gigi is 9. Her sister is 13 years older than her. Her sister shouts at Gigi as if she hurled insults at her. The unpleasant name-calling is so loud that the entire family can hear it, but the rest of the family members are all using their phones. They seem imperturbable to the status quo.
「你這個大蠢蛋，它就在那、就在牛奶旁邊。你腦袋到底裝什麼？屎嗎？」吉兒才九歲，正在朝她狠狠丟出一連串辱罵的是比她還大十三歲的姐姐。即使這樣的喊叫聲大到能讓全家都聽得一清二楚，正在滑手機的家人們仍選擇悠悠地沉浸在自己的狀態中。
“Ugly, I told you to fetch me my pudding. You went there fumbling about and achieved NOTHING!” Gigi’s tears roll down her cheeks. Such experience is nothing new to her. It has already felt like some psychological-illness-healing medicine that is to be taken three times a day.
「醜八怪，我已經告訴你拿我的布丁過來，你給我走去摸魚了一圈然後空手回來？」斗大的淚珠此時已經滑落吉兒的雙頰，這樣的經驗其實對吉兒來說並不陌生，這感覺就像是硬生生吞下必須一日服三次精神疾病的藥物。
“I…I swear I ha…have looked for it. I re…really didn’t see… it…” Gigi chokes up.
「我...我發誓...我ㄑ…確實有找，但真的找不到....」吉兒邊啜泣邊說。
“She’s lying. Liar.” Gigi’s cousin retorts, as though she could always read through Gigi’s mind and know the truth.
「她在說謊，騙子！」吉兒的表姊反駁道，好像她每次都能看穿吉兒、知道事實一樣。
“I am not…” Gigi whispers powerlessly. How can the words a mistake utters not be greater mistakes? Even if someone does believe her, it doesn’t make any difference either. No one will “really” help. Her grandpa won’t; her grandma won’t; her mom won’t. Her habit of keeping diary is her only outlet.
「我…沒有...」吉兒無力地回應道。一個錯誤所用到的所有文字該如何不成為更大的錯誤？即使有任何人相信吉兒，也無法改變任何現狀。並不會有人「真的」伸出援手，無論是她的爺爺、奶奶，還是媽媽，沒有人會。除了她每天保持的寫日記習慣，那是吉兒唯一的宣洩方式。
“Retard. Put the bread in the oven. I want strawberry jam on it. Don’t overcook it.” Gigi’s sister orders.
「智障，把麵包放進烤箱，記得塗上草莓果醬，不准烤焦了。」姐姐命令到。
“Okay…” Gigi sobs. It may just be a normal Wednesday to her sister, but it is a trauma day to Gigi. If anyone did anything at that time, would things be different?
「是的...」吉兒持續啜泣，對姐姐而言一個再平凡不過的星期三，對吉兒而言卻是永遠的創傷。如果在這樣的關鍵時間上有誰做了什麼，未來會不會有所不同？
2.
2.
Gigi then meets Peggy in high school. She doesn’t know what traits Peggy possesses that attract her, but she knows she wants to hold her hand and stroll the campus with her under the starry night after school; she wants to hug her blithely at Peggy’s bed when rays of sunlight beam down on floor through gaps of curtains; she wants to…kiss her.
隨後，吉兒在高中的時候認識了佩姬。她不了解是佩姬的何種特質吸引著她，她只知道她想要牽著她的手，漫步在星空下的校園裡；她想在陽光穿透簾幕的床上歡愉輕摟彼此。她想要...親吻她。
“Can you be quiet? It’s 2 in the morning.” Gigi’s sister’s boyfriend bursts open her door. He sees her crying. He sees it. Gigi knows because he turns on the light. Without asking anything, he leaves.
「你可以安靜點嗎？現在才凌晨兩點。」吉兒姐姐的男友忽然將門打開說道。他有瞧見她哭泣，他確實有看到。吉兒知道他有看到是因為燈是他開的，但他仍選擇不聞不問地轉身離開。
Gigi is left agape.
留吉兒一個人驚訝地站在原地。
“How can he just walk away as if he didn’t see anything. He doesn’t even bother to ask.” Gigi tells Peggy unbelievably.
「到底為何可以像是什麼也沒看到似的、這麼冷漠地轉身而去，他甚至完全沒有要關心的意思。」吉兒不敢置信地跟佩姬說到。
“Isn’t that normal? Who the hell you think you are? No one would care about you. Accept the reality now.”
「這不是很正常嗎？你以為你是哪根蔥？沒有人在乎你，接受事實吧！」
Now Gigi is left agape and hurt. No. “Even more hurt” would be the right phase.
對於這番言論，吉兒感到震驚受傷。不，正確的說法應該是「加倍受傷」。
Yet, every time Peggy makes her heart writhe painfully, she dares not tell anyone. Feeling all alienated and bewildered, She withstands everything herself. The majority of people accepts girls liking girls, but it just feels weird to admit it when liking boys is the default assumption to everyone. It seems to whisper: “it is ‘better’ if you are attracted to the opposite sex” to everyone’s ear. The existence of closet makes it impossible for people to enjoy the freedom of being what they are.
然而，每次佩姬使她心如刀割的時候，吉兒都悶在心中不說。將所有苦悶和煩憂獨自一人承擔，即便現在大部分人都接受女生互相相愛，但在社會常模的洗腦下，人還是會自動將女生就是應該喜歡男生當成基本設定。這樣的常模沒日沒夜地在我們耳邊竊竊私語著：「當個異性戀比較好。」櫥櫃的存在讓所有人都無法自由自在地做自己。
3.
3.
“Why are my cuttings all regularly striped?”
「為何我的傷口都很規律的會自動排列整齊？」
Looking at the striped scars on her left wrist, she sees bars in prison. She gazes at them and then zones out. The figure of a trapped and forlorn woman obscurely appears behind the bars on her wrist. She seems numb as to where she is.
看著手腕上一條條傷疤，她看見的是囹圄。盯著它們一會之後，她看見一個被囚禁的絕望身影：是個絕望的女人模模糊糊地出現在她手腕上的一條條鐵柵欄後面，雙眼透露著身處何地的麻木。
Knock. Knock.
叩，叩，叩。
The abrupt knocking on Gigi’s door brings her back to the reality. She raises her head.
忽然的敲門聲把吉兒拉回現實。她抬起了頭。
“I have read your diary.” Her sister says outside the door.
「我讀了你的日記。」是姐姐站在門外。
Left surprisedly speechless, Gigi jumped up. She then apologized manically.
嚇的跳了起來，腦袋一片空白。她瘋狂地開始道歉。
“I am sorry I am really sorry…I…I didn’t mean to…It doesn’t…I…” Trying to explain everything, she talks with an incredibly fast speed. She is on the brink of crying.
「我很抱歉，我真的...真的...很抱歉。我真的...不是...故意要這麼做的...」講話速度隨著急迫想解釋的心情，變得異常的快。吉兒幾乎都要哭了出來。
“Let me in. I am sorry.” Her sister says with a tone that is difficult to recognize.
「讓我進去，我才要說抱歉。」姐姐用一種難以辨識的語調說出這句話。
Later that night, her sister comes out to Gigi.
那晚，姐姐向吉兒出櫃了。
英文作者 Author｜盧怡圻 Yichi Lu
中文譯者 Translator｜林弱水 Roushui Lin
“國立東華大學英美語文學系
曾珍珍教授紀念獎學金 - 短文投稿”
Human Connection｜與人建立連結
Do you remember the last time a person genuinely looked into your eyes, telling you the story that they wanted to share with you? Do you remember the feeling of holding someone’s hand? When was the last time you tell your parents that you love them or when was the last time you hug them and kiss them? What is your best memories with your friends? Do you still keep in touch with them? Every form of relationships requires love and effort, passion and commitment, time and patience. Sometimes it is hard to share a deep bond with others because we have to let down our guard and show our vulnerability as well as true self. Secrets have to be let out, deep thoughts have to be communicated, and tears have to be poured out. Sometimes the people who live with us can know the least about us. Sometimes it’s easy to open up with a stranger rather than someone who is close with us. Humans are social creatures, but sometimes we rather isolate ourselves to the outside world. There are too many ironic things that are happening within us and around us, which is what makes us human.
你是否記得上一次，某人真摯凝望著你的雙眼，向你傾訴那些他們想和你分享的事？你是否記得雙手被誰緊握著的感覺？上一次你將愛語傳遞給父母抑或擁抱、親吻他們又是何時？那關於朋友之間的最美好的回憶呢？你們是否還保持聯繫呢？任何關係都需要愛與付出、熱情與投入、時間和耐心。有時我們難以與他人深交，因為我們需要放下防備、展現脆弱的一面，以及真實的自我。秘密需要揭露、心思需要說出口、眼淚需要宣洩。有時與我們同住的人們並非了解我們最深，又時候向陌生人訴説心事遠易於向親密的人傾訴。人類是群居動物，但有時我們更傾向在世界之外孤立起自己。太多矛盾和諷刺的事情在自己與周遭身上發生，然而這卻造就我們生而為人。
Growing up, I cherished my alone time a lot to the point that I sometimes accidentally distanced myself from other people. Canceling some invites from friends or family, seldom reaching out to people when I need help, or keeping all my thoughts in my head are just some of the examples. Not until I went to the university and lived in the dorm room did I realize the importance of human connection. I used to think socializing drained my energy, but I found out with the right people and mindset, spending time with others can bring sparks into our lives and bring us numerous unexpected surprises. I’d say that my first year in college is a transformative time in my life, and I’m grateful to live with my roommates. Because of them, I get to feel the love and care, warmth and support outside of my family.
長大後，我十分珍視獨處時光，以至於有時會發覺自己無意間與他人拉遠了距離。推辭朋友家人的邀約、有困難時很少向外求助、不加以傾訴想法僅是些許例子。直到來到了大學、開始宿舍生活，我才真正體會到與人連結的重要性。過去我總是認為社交十分消耗能量，但我發現只要與對的人及心態，花時間與他人相處能夠為我們生活帶來火花和意想不到的驚喜。我能說大學第一年是我人生的轉捩點，我非常感激能與我的室友們同住。因為他們，我真切感受到能從家人以外的人們身上，獲得愛與關懷、溫暖與支持。
Another thing that makes me realize the significance of human connection is the severity of the pandemic. Since 2020, life has become so different than before. The pandemic strikes us really hard. Social distancing, quarantine, wearing masks all day long, and online classes make me nearly forget what a normal human interaction actually looks like and cause me to miss the time when I can see the facial expression, especially the smiles on people’s faces. Moreover, being forced to stay at home makes me realize how little quality time I’ve spent with my family in the past. I felt sad and bewildered about the fact that I used to sacrifice family time for studying. Looking back, I wish I’d always put family in the first place. The more I think about parent-child relationship, the more I become perplexed and anxious because everything that seems right seems to be wrong for some reasons. Living in an Asian culture, we tend to express love through actions instead of words, such as “I love you.” However, those actions sometimes seem to be more like a responsibility rather than love. Sometimes, a sentence has so many underlying meanings and thoughts that we wouldn’t dare to open up with each other. It shouldn’t be that hard to maintain a good relationship with family, but in fact it is so hard. It takes time and effort to uncover every emotion, and maybe it all starts with being compassionate with each other.
另一件使我意識到與人連結重要性的，是疫情的嚴峻。從2020以來，生活遭遇前所未見的改變。疫情劇烈地影響我們。社交距離、居家隔離、終日戴上口罩以及線上課程等，使我幾乎忘記普通人際交往的模樣，也讓我懷念起能看見人們臉部表情的時候，尤其是人們臉上的微笑。更甚者，被迫在家使我驚覺過曲與家人共處的時光是多麼地少。我為過去犧牲家庭時間拿來讀書的日子感到難過與不解。回首過往，我真希望可以一直將家人擺在第一順位。當我愈深入思索親子關係，我愈感到迷惘焦慮，因為看起來正確的一切，似乎都在某些因素上都是錯的。生活在亞洲文化下，我們在表達愛意時總傾向行動代替言語，諸如訴說「我愛你」。然而，那些付出的行動往往會被視為責任義務而非愛。有時一句簡單的話語蘊含著許多我們不敢向他人開展的意義及想法。維繫家庭關係其實不應如此困難，將情緒逐一拆解需要大量的時間和精力，或許，以同理心對待彼此會是一切的起點。
There are still so many things that I need to learn in life. Living in a world where many things are connected, it is hard to avoid human connection. Although I experience human interaction every day, I still think it is a hard thing for me because different situations occur every day, but I’d say that one thing is certain, which is treating people with love, kindness, and compassion never goes wrong. Maintaining or creating a relationship is like doing yoga, which emphasizing on the equilibrium of everything. It also feels like a mindful breathing exercise. We have to let everything come and go naturally, but we also have to be mindful of everything that comes in our way. I sometimes long for certain kinds of relationships to go in a certain way, but life doesn’t work that way. Every experience is a chance to learn, and every obstacle is an opportunity to grow. Human connection is a magical thing that contains too many surprises, and thinking in this way makes me love the people around me more and be more willing to meet new people and enjoy the limited time on earth with the people I met.
關於人生，還有許多我需要學習的。生在處處皆是緊密連結的世界中，要逃避人際交往著實困難。雖然我每天都在經驗人際互動，但對我而言還是十分困難的一件事，畢竟每天都會有不一樣的狀況發生。但我確信一件事，那就是待人以愛、善和熱誠，是恆常不變的真理。維繫關係以及創造關係如同瑜珈，講求的是一切事物的「平衡」。同時也像是有意識的呼吸訓練。讓一切事物自然的來去，同時也在事情發生之時留心留意。我時常渴望某些關係可以如我預期那般發展，但人生不是一本固定的劇本，每個經驗都是學習的機會、每個挑戰都是成長的過程。人與人的連結是一件十分奇妙的事情，當中蘊含了許多驚喜。揣懷著這樣的想法，我更加願意認識新朋友，並在有限的歲月裡，盡情享受與他們相處的時光。
英文作者 Author｜楊禹婕 Yuchieh Yang
中文譯者 Translator｜林弱水 Roushui Lin
“國立東華大學英美語文學系
曾珍珍教授紀念獎學金 - 短文投稿”
What I Have Learned from Depression｜憂鬱症教會我的事
In today’s world, depression is no longer a rare problem. According to the World Mental Health Report by WHO this year, one out of every eight people suffers from a different degree of mental health issue, especially under the influence of the pandemic. As a person who has been down the road of depression for 3 years, I deeply understand how destructive and terrible its influence could be. But I am not here to tell you how pathetic it is to have depression or to ask for sympathy, but to tell people that depression is not weakness; it can also make you stronger.
在當今世界，憂鬱症已不再是一個罕見的問題。根據今年世界衛生組織的世界精神健康報告，每八人中就有一人正在不同程度的精神健康問題中受苦，這樣的情形在疫情影響下更為嚴重。與憂鬱症為伍已經有三年的我，深深明白它可以帶給人的毀滅性以及負面影響有多深。但我並非告訴你它有多可悲或是乞求同情，而是要告訴人們憂鬱症並非缺陷，反之，它讓人變得更加強大。
I have been through a long journey from fighting against depression to getting along with it. Depression used to be something that I didn’t dare to talk about and felt ashamed of. Now that I have accepted it as a part of me, I understand that my vulnerability is not a punishment, but a gift that allows me to become more sensitive to others emotions, and be more understanding than ordinary people. The past doesn't define who we are, but we are the one who decides what meaning to give to these experiences. If we too don’t try to appreciate and love ourselves, who else would?
從對抗憂鬱症到與它共處，我經歷了一條漫長的路。憂鬱症曾幾何時是我不敢甚至羞於談論的事情。如今，在接受它成為我的一部分之後，我明白脆弱並非懲罰，而是一種讓自己更加敏銳察覺他人情緒的天賦，也能比他人更有同理心。過去無法定義我們，但我們有權定義這些經驗。如果我們不嘗試去感謝及愛自己，誰還會做這件事呢？
Acceptance and forgiveness are the two most important lessons I have learned during my therapy process. We have always been taught to be lenient to others, but we are not used to giving ourselves the same leniency. Therefore, when we encounter problems, it is easy for us to blame ourselves for the causes of every issue, thinking that we are not good enough or we did something wrong. Our emotions could be carried away easily by these negative thoughts without even noticing. But in fact, depression, like any other problems, is just a situation that is neither good nor bad. Sometimes, things just happen without a reason. Whether we made a mistake or not, we have to learn to forgive ourselves and to let things be.
接受和原諒，是我在諮商過程中學到最重要的兩個概念。我們總是被教導要對寬恕他人，卻無法給予自己相同的寬容。因此，每當遇到問題時，我們總是輕易地先責怪自己，認為自己不夠好或是做錯了什麼。我們的情緒也會輕易地在不自覺中受到這些負面想法影響。但事實上，憂鬱症就像其他問題一樣，沒有對與錯。有時候事情發生就是發生了，不會有原因。無論我們是否犯了錯，我們必須學會原諒自己，並學著放手。
But accepting the problem is different from giving up and putting no effort into trying to tackle it. What we should accept is the past, because what is in the past has already been done and there is nothing we can do to change it. How we choose to deal with the problem afterwards is what really makes the difference. Rather than spending time regretting and self-blaming, it is better to focus on what we are able to do and changes we can make to, if not improve the situation, at least let it stop worsening. It is okay if we can’t fix the problem at once, small steps can make important progress too and never overlook our own efforts.
但是接受問題與放棄、消極解決大不相同。我們應該做的是接受過去，因為過去發生的是已然過去，且我們也無法改變它。我們選擇處理問題的方式決定了同時也要認知到如何處理問題才是可以改變現狀的關鍵。比起花時間自怨自艾，我們更應專注在我們能為此做些什麼、能改變什麼，就算無法改變現狀，至少能也防止讓情況惡化。即使無法一次解決問題也無妨，小小一步也能是大大的進步，絕對不要小看我們的每一份努力。
It is also important to know whether the problem is something that we should deal with or not; it depends on whether the problem is in our control or in other people’s control. It’s hard to not care about what people say about us. Sometimes, other people’s comments or what they expect from us can really make us upset. We can control our own actions and the way we think, but we cannot control what other people think of us or the expectation they have on us. So if it’s not our problem, don’t try to put that burden on yourself. Everyone has their own issues that they themselves are responsible to deal with.
同樣重要的，是意識到問題是否在我們能力範圍之內，它取決於問題是否為我們可以掌控的、抑或掌控權落在別人手上。我們很難不在意人們對我們的評論。有時，他人對於我們的言論或加諸於我們的期望令人沮喪。我們能控制我們自己的行為以及看待事情的方式，但我們無法控制他人對我們的看法及期待。因此，若這不是我們的問題，便不要施加壓力在自己身上。每一個人都有各自需要負責的問題。
In the past few years, depression has made many drastic changes to my life. It has given me the opportunity to learn something new about myself. I am grateful for every past experience that I have, no matter how good or bad they were, because those are what made me who I am today. I don't compare myself with others anymore, because I know that everyone is living in a timeline of their own, moving forward little by little at their own pace into a better future. Life is too short to spend so much time being unhappy, I hope that everyone can find their daily lives meaningful.
過去幾年，憂鬱症劇烈地影響我的生活。我也好好地利用這個機會學著去認識不同的自己。對於過去種種，我心懷感激。因為無論好壞，那些經驗都造就了現在的我。我不再將自己與他人做比較，因為我知道每個人都有屬於他自己的時間軸，以各自的步伐一步一腳印地前進，邁向更好的未來。生命短暫到沒時間不快樂，我希望每個人都能活出有意義的每一天。
英文作者 Author｜蔡佩珉 Peiming Tsai
中文譯者 Translator｜林弱水 Roushui Lin
Cima-kiso？非原來的樣子 | 導演 湯琇媚 (Filmmaker | May Tang)
東華大學的原住民族族群學院裡面，族群關係與文化學系的非原住民族學生比例約占半數，其生活經驗亦與原住民族文化存在著許多差異。對非原住民族的學生而言，身處在原民院之中，和身處在主流社會的原住民族一樣，總是有著文化差異的感受。而這更促使他們意識到，作為主流社會中的多數，在社會結構中享有「族群紅利」。了解到原住民族在這片土地上被殖民的歷史與現況，因而產生「漢人」自我認同，以及如何面對「原漢」族群關係的內心拉扯。我想透過影像，更進一步的提問，為什麼非原住民族學生會選擇來到這裡？為什麼要學習其他族群的文化？離開熟悉的主流社會之後，面臨了哪些文化衝擊？如何處理自己與所處環境的關係？
In the College of Indigenous Studies at National Dong Hwa University, the proportion of non-indigenous students in the Department of Ethnic Relations and Cultures is about half. Their life experience also has many differences from the culture of indigenous peoples. For students of non-indigenous groups, being in an institution for indigenous peoples always has the same feeling of cultural differences as the indigenous peoples living in the mainstream society. And this made them realize that, as the majority in mainstream society, they enjoy the "indigenous dividend" in the social structure. Knowing the historical background of the indigenous peoples and being colonized on this land, they have the inner dilemma of "Han" self-identity and how to deal with the relationship between two ethnic groups: Han and indigenous peoples. I would like to ask further questions through the video, why do non-indigenous students choose to come here? Why do they study the culture of other ethnic groups? What kind of culture shock do they face after leaving mainstream society? How do they deal with the relationship with their environment?
導演 ▋ 湯琇媚，目前就讀東華大學族群關係與文化學系。 我第一次拍片。 同為非原住民族群的學生，希望從自己的生活經驗出發，透過紀錄片創造更多對話的可能。
Filmmaker | Maja Tang
Currently studying in Department of Ethnic Relations and Cultures, I, as a non-indigenous student, made my first film Cima-kiso？. I want to initiate more dialogues to build understanding across diverse viewpoints via my filmmaking.
譯者 ▋ 林弱水 Roushui Lin
關於山難：直升機的起降是某一種永恆 | First Time Seeing Rescue Choppers on Mountains
It was seven o'clock already, and they said the helicopter would come at half past seven. I looked at my teammates who were walking slowly down from the mountaintop, I could hear my racing heartbeat. No matter how many times I passed by the tarmac in the days of climbing, I have never seen the red color appear on that letter H stacked with white stones. At the moment, while knowing that the rescue chopper could come in anytime, I had to walk slowly with all of my teammates. All of this went against my intuition about mountain climbing. Even though I came to the highland at an altitude of more than 3,000 meters with a fully prepared mindset, this kind of test, which happened out of the blue, was still a bit too painful. Touching the nose that has been stinging from the sun for the past few days, it had been burned severely, I thought. At the same time, I looked at the elder lady who was walking slowly dozens of meters away, and the youngest boy in the team was accompanying her. The boy could have sprinted back to the valley at his best efforts to find the best viewing position and wait for the helicopter to arrive, but our dialogue gradually blended into a mutual understanding of walking side by side in such high altitude and thin oxygen. We have always walked together. Because of this, I felt a little sad as we were descending down the mountain after four days.
已經七點了，他們說直升機吊掛七點半會來。
我望著走在隊伍最後面的隊友，心急如焚。
攀爬的日子裡路過多少次停機坪，沒有一次見過那用白石堆疊出的字母Ｈ上面，出現過專屬於救難的紅。
但此時的自己必須壓隊，必須慢慢走。
這一切全都違反我對爬山一直以來揣懷的直覺，即便已帶著萬全的心理準備來到海拔三千多公尺的寒原，這樣的修煉還是來得有點太痛苦。
摸著這幾天被太陽曬得刺痛的鼻頭，下山應該會嚴重脫皮了，心想。
同時遙望幾十公尺外慢慢走的阿姨，以及在一旁陪伴她的、隊伍裡面年紀最輕的弟弟。
弟弟明明可以用開無氧衝刺跑回圈谷，找到最佳的觀賞位置等待直升機到來，但我們的對話在如此高的海拔稀薄氧氣中逐漸交融成一種並肩而行的默契。
我們一直都走在一起。也因為如此，四天過後下山的日子裡有些惆悵。
We followed step by step next to the slowest lady in the team after we visited the main and east peaks of Mt. Nanhu.
Along the dried-up creeks of the Upper Valley, we slowly descended back to the Nanhu Mountain Cabin, recalling the grandeur of dawn on the way to the main peak in the early morning and the future of going back and forth between the mountains and the plains.
Passing through the stacked stone area used as road signs, clumps of bushes where Alpine Accentor (岩鷚) and Vinaceous Rosefinch were playing around, and passing through dark purple gravel rock walls, we chatted and forgot the imminence of the arrival of the helicopter.
As we had only a few hundred meters left, I would turn and see the valley of the Nanhu Mountain Cabin, and suddenly a strange sound that did not belong to the high-altitude highland reverberated. The sound was getting louder and louder.
"Helicopter!" The youngest boy shouted excitedly. I told him to sprint as fast as he could to get the best view. I would accompany the slow lady to finish the last part.
The dry creek has cultivated patience in an individual, and the stay in nature has induced a reconnection with the environment and oneself.
我們亦步亦趨地陪伴在全隊裡走最慢的阿姨旁邊，剛走完南湖群峰裡的最高峰和東峰。
沿著上圈谷乾涸的溪溝慢慢下回南湖山屋的我們，邊回憶清晨在前往主峰的路上破曉的壯闊和在山林與平地間往復的未來。
經過山友用做路標的疊石區、經過一叢一叢灌木當中有岩鷚（ㄌㄧㄡˋ）與酒紅朱雀啼鳴隨行、經過暗紫色碎石岩壁攤開，邊玩邊聊也忘了趕著看直升機到來的急迫。
剩下幾百公尺就會轉彎看到南湖山屋的谷地，忽然迴盪起不屬於高海拔的荒原陌生的聲音。那聲音越來越大。
「直升機！」弟弟興奮地大喊道，我跟他說你先跑去看吧沒關係，我陪阿姨走完最後這一段。
可能是在那段乾涸溪溝玩耍培養出了耐心，可能是多在自然裡做的逗留誘發了對周遭環境與自身的重新連結。
When we arrived at the top of the hill where the Nanhu Mountain Cabin is situated, the bright red helicopter had stopped, and the air flow from the propeller made the Yushan canes nearby form golden waves.
All the teammates were sitting or standing at the top of the hill, holding mobile phones and shouting as if they had never seen the scene before.
I walked to Z's side, he didn't say a word, he sat astride a big rock. His Buff covered his nose and mouth, and the brim of his hat was so low that I couldn't see his expression.
Amid the roar of viewers’ voices and the sound of helicopters echoing across the valley, Z quietly stared straight at what was happening not far below.
Perhaps it was because of that kind of indifference and concentration so deeply imprinted in my mind that I would have such a strong impact on Z’s passionate talk when we returned to the Yunling Mountain Cabin at a lower altitude.
等我們抵達將座落在下圈谷的南湖山屋以及停機坪盡收眼底的山丘頂端時，鮮紅的直升機已經停穩，螺旋槳噴出的氣流讓周圍的玉山箭竹都順出一道道金黃波浪。
所有的隊友都在山丘頂端或坐或站，拿著手機驚呼著、招呼著後到的我們。
我走到Ｚ身邊，他不發一語，跨坐在一顆大岩石上，頭巾掩蓋住口鼻帽簷壓得很低看不出表情。
在一群喧鬧的人聲與直升機迴盪山谷的聲音裡，Ｚ靜悄悄眼睛直直盯著底下不遠處發生的一切。
或許就是因為那樣的淡漠專注深深刻印在我的腦海裡，使得事後回到海拔較低的雲稜山屋我們窩在板凳上進行最後一夜的長談時，我會對Ｚ的澎湃傾訴如此衝擊。
為此，他甚至重新整理了他對於登山的情感連結，以及他在山上面投注的精力的定義。
那台鮮紅的直升機，激烈地改變了我們看山的方式、接近山的方式、以及排列出日後為了接近它，所必須培養的決心。
At this time, Z was so calm and serious among the clogged crowd who were filming and shouting. The helicopter slowly took off, turned slowly away from the valley, and grew into a small spot in the direction of the Snow Mountain Ridge. Everything that was happening in front of us was as slow as Kore-eda Hirokazu’s films. At the moment, everyone watching the scene suddenly became like Z, not saying a word.
此時的Ｚ，獨立於拿著手機不斷錄影拍攝的人群，看似自若也嚴肅的神色讓站在他身邊的我，不敢發出關於眼前從未見過景象的慣性喊叫。
等到直升機緩緩升起，緩緩轉向、飛離地面、遠離圈谷、朝雪山山脈的方向飛遠、飛小。
眼前發生的一切緩慢得如是枝裕和電影裡面角色行走的速度，而觀看這一切的大家變得跟Ｚ一樣，不發一語。
Words were not enough to describe what was happening in front of us, and nothing could represent the bright red figure between the hidden hills, buried among the mountains.
"We're used to approaching mountains in an overly romantic way." For some reason, those words popped into my head. Suddenly I felt that the people on the helicopter must have come to this unattainable place with this kind of romantic desire. No one presupposes that they will end up leaving this place in this way. "I hope everything goes well for the person on that helicopter." These words could not help but blurt out in the silence of the crowd as the helicopter had gone so far away. After hearing this, everyone responded: "Yes, I hope they are all right."
應該說，那個時間點沒有任何機會給文字去言狀，關於那抹隱沒山巒之間的鮮紅所代表的、乘載的、這山谷間發生的，沒有任何機會。
「我們慣於用過於浪漫的方式接近山。」不知為何，腦袋裡浮現這句話。
忽然覺得在直升機上的人們，必定也是帶著浪漫想望，來到這難以企及之地。
沒有人會預設自己最後會以這樣的方式離開這個浪漫。
「希望他下山一切都好。」這句話在直升機遠到看不見尾槳、一片靜默裡不禁脫口而出。
大家聽到以後紛紛應和：「對啊，希望他一切都好。」
That night, Z, the leader of the team, talked about the meaning of his seriousness and silence during the witnessing. "I can't stop shaking, actually. For me, the takeoff and landing of a helicopter is a certain kind of eternity. At that time, I couldn't take out my phone to take pictures, and I couldn't easily tell those jokes about helicopters. Thankfully, people came to the conclusion of wishing people on that helicopter safe and sound. Otherwise, I thought the risk of flying the heli to rescue people who were injured in the mountains was too overlooked.”
當晚，身為領隊的Ｚ說了那場目睹之中，他靜默的意義。
「我無法止住的抖，其實。對我來說，直升機的起降是某一種永恆，那時我完全無法拿出手機拍、無法輕易講出那些關於直升機的玩笑，還好大家看完結論是『希望直升機上的人平安。』不然無法身處在太輕易看待這趟救援任務的氛圍裡，不發一語的結束吧！」
We always pray for peace when walking in the mountains. We cannot afford the consequences of spreading fear and ignorance.
Z and I and the mountain collaborators who went up the mountain, are a frame intertwined with people and scenery, and the take-off and landing of the helicopter entered this frame, forever changing the meaning of walking in the mountains.
為彼此祈求的永遠是平安，而非目睹新奇體驗般的散播恐懼與無知。
上山的Ｚ與我、山上的協作哥姐們，一幅幅人與景交織出的框，而直升機的起降進入了這個框，永遠的改變了面山而行的我們。
作者 譯者 | 林弱水 Roushui Lin
白晝之眠三部錄像：劉曉蕙
2022年
白晝之眠＿鹽寮漁港
Sleeping in Daytime_Yanliao Fishing Port
錄像作品
Video work
18’40’’
台11線的鹽寮漁港，因為港口積沙舢舨捕魚的功能不佳，加上人口外移，此地顯得蕭條卻安靜。午后時分母親帶兩位女兒前來參與睡眠行動，海浪撞擊消波塊爆炸成浪花，蒼穹下母女三人窩著自成世界。
Going along Provincial Highway 11, you can see sampans in Hualien Yanliao fishing port which are used as fishing boats float above the water quietly because of the serious deposit of drifting sands and out-migration. The mother took her two little girls to participate in a sleeping activity in the afternoon. Waves are being crushed into thousand pieces by concrete tetrapods nearby, three people cuddling closely against one another within the cosmos they share.
2022年
白晝之眠＿十一號橋
Sleeping in Daytime_Bridge No.11
錄像作品
Video Work
14’50’’
廢棄的公路已經覆滿植物，鐵床晾在汽車路徑的橋間，阿旭平日的生活，已將寢具簡約成睡袋、睡墊和枕頭，烈陽下的睡眠行動，此時彼刻公路來回的車聲揉捻成不真實的假寐卻觸動他…。
The abandoned highway has been long covered by all kinds of plants. Iron bed has been left alone on one side of the bridge where cars pass every day. A-hsu has minimized his possessions; what sleeping gears he has are: a sleeping bag, a sleeping pad, and a pillow. Being exposed to bright sun during daytime sleeping, he is touched by unrealistic naps which are made by the noise of cars…
2022年
白晝之眠＿三棧溪北
Sleeping in Daytime_The North of Yayung Pratan
錄像作品
Video Work
14’50’’
消波塊群像像極了巨石文化被種植在木麻黃防風林中，穿梭其中時我常常想，遠古以後這就是所謂人類文明遺跡吧！夫妻參與睡眠行動，拍攝現場過程是小黑蚊的攻擊，和呼隆隆的類當代裝甲部隊……
The composition of concrete tetrapods is like a megalith site built in windbreaks of casuarina. Rambling among it makes me think of a future of it being discovered by archaeologists as the human past using remains. The spouse took part in the sleeping activity here as they were frequently attacked by Forcipomyia taiwana and the semi-contemporary armored forces which made a rattling sound…
2021主要西方作者專題：《簡愛》的學生多元創作｜Major Western Authors: Student Works Inspired by Jane Eyre
學生作品之一｜《簡愛》作曲
Music Video of Jane Eyre: Craving
作詞作曲Lyrics/song by 陳珈詠(Jia-Yong Chen) ft. 鄧雨賢(Yu-Hsien Deng)
照片Photo by 高潔柔/高聖潔(Shen-Jie Gao)
視覺製作Visual edition by 陳珈詠(Jia-Yong Chen)
鋼琴Piano/ 陳珈詠(Jia-Yong Chen)
貝斯Bass/ 陳珈詠(Jia-Yong Chen)
主唱Lead vocalist / 陳珈詠(Jia-Yong Chen)
和聲Backing vocalist / 陳珈詠(Jia-Yong Chen)
打擊樂Drum / 陳珈詠(Jia-Yong Chen)
電吉他Electronic Guitar / 陳珈詠(Jia-Yong Chen)
二胡Erhu / 陳珈詠(Jia-Yong Chen)
琵琶Lute / 陳珈詠 (Jia-Yong Chen)
學生作品之二｜《簡愛》詩作
Student Works: Poems of Jane Eyre
(1)
To Oliver
廖念慈(Nian-Tzu Liao)
"Oliver! Oliver! Oliver!"
Stop calling me that name
I am just dust on a ceiling fan
Dark, poison, and dirt
Without friends, a family and a haven
Do not look at me with pitying eyes
Because I am not that kind
Stop telling lies that
Tomorrow will be fine
Could you please give me
one shot to die
What's the meaning of staying alive, then?
Some say revenge is not that good
But, I will put you in fire
Redemption is your last desire
"Please, sir, I want some more."
God Damn!
I just want SOME MORE! SOME MORE!
Some say escaping is the most efficient way
Now, I'm ready,
ready to leave the world without peace,
10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, …….
Please fly me to the moon,
Where there is no hell and pain,
Only peace
(2)
Under the Great Horse-Chestnut Tree
廖念慈(Nian-Tzu Liao)
"I love you, Jane."
No. I'm leaving for Ireland
There is no eternity, but changing
I am afraid, I am scared, I am frightened
The gap between you and me is
so deep,
Deep like a black hole, with no future
Ah, I finally realize that
I am just not that into you
I see through you,
With thousands of secrets in your gloomy eyes
Love is all about trust, trust, trust
But all you tell is lie, lie, lie
I can't figure it out anymore
How can I love you without knowing you
You will be grateful for not having me in your life
Because I know, I just know that
It is gonna be a disaster for you and me
Farewell, my dearest stranger, and my best rival
學生作品之三｜聊天機器人
Student Works: Chatbot
Jane Eyre Chatbot 簡愛聊天機器人
邱予恩(Yu-En Ciou)、李書亞(Shu-Ya Li)、林存雪(Cun-Xue Lin)
※請點入Facebook「Jane Eyre 小愛愛」頁面： https://www.facebook.com/Jane-Eyre-%E5%B0%8F%E6%84%9B%E6%84%9B-102552732040067 ，並請透過Messenger發送訊息，就可以與 簡愛聊天機器人互動囉！
※詳細說明請見簡報檔：
https://docs.google.com/presentation/d/1rYd1gTvreuq4wqQ3aCAGNZdR2ALENAKgZ0wKVjwrD9g/edit?usp=sharing
學生作品之四｜書封設計
Student Works: Book Cover Design
Jane Eyre Cover Design
林庭亘(Ting-Gen Lin)、蔡千瑢(Cian-Rong Tsai)
(1) Jane Eyre Cover Design English version:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1UoA7hbBJ_5QUkaTfUPd66-qPabsZVb5z/view?usp=sharing
（可下載圖片pdf檔）
(2)《簡愛》封面設計 中文版:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1v68SwcN_wGZCZw_k8esylSAA62o_o_kb/view?usp=sharing
（可下載圖片pdf檔）
學生作品之四｜意念設計
Student Works: Imagery Creation
Jane Eyre’s Life Story in Comic Form
鄭曉昀(Xiao-Yun Cheng)、童家韻(Jia-Yun Tong)
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1ON7aMikvF2cwtt3Yvg3kjradNj2xwCpk/view?usp=sharing
2020主要西方作者專題-簡愛: 一個獨立的意志｜Major Western Authors-Jane Eyre: An Independent Will
About the Exhibition
Victorian Era is characterized by a growing state and economy and Britain’s status as the most powerful empire in the world. However, during the prosperous Victorian period, there were still issues within the social structure. In novels like Jane Eyre and Oliver Twist, the social conscious those authors developed led to some of the most influential pieces of literature. Let us dive in the worlds those Major Western Authors have created through different forms of recreating their works!
展覽理念與內容
維多利亞時期是大英帝國的黃金時代，但輝煌的時代背後卻藏著許多晦暗不堪的辛酸血淚史，在這樣的背景下更促使了許多經典文學作品如《簡愛》及《孤雛淚》的誕生。我們將以實體及線上展覽，透過多元的創作，帶領各位認識這些連結著過去與現在的不朽經典，也重新認識我們自己及這個世界！
學生作品之一｜《簡愛》作品之介紹
Student Works: Website of Introduction to Jane Eyre
A website created by Steven Shen: Jane Eyre
學生作品之二｜《簡愛》校內實體展覽
Student Works: Exhibition of Jane Eyre
“Follow Jane Eyre” 創作同學與作品合照
Work Title: “Follow Jane Eyre“
東華大學英美系學生專題成果展覽Jane Eyre - An Independent Will 於楊牧書房展出
Exhibition poster designed by students: Jane Eyre - An Independent Will
Follow Jane Eyre 小說場景重現、Meet the Rebellious Women 獨立女性海報及相關繪畫與小書創作等展覽
“Follow Jane Eyre“ was a teamwork of recreation of the novel. “Meet the Rebellious Women“ was a corner consisted of posters of independent women and hand-made books created by students.
我們ＷＯＭＡＮ By 林其螢
Contents:
Origin/ Victim/ Persecutor/ Love
Creation Insight
Many people consider literature as a vague and unrealistic way of thinking, yet I think literature is a reflection of life.
Those feminist texts mirrored my personal experience. Therefore, I chose to visualize the texts and write about my mirrored self.
Tool: Photoshop, AI
Tint:554150 6aab90
The first time I recognized: I am a woman.
We should not be Adam’s ribs. We are not.
We are the natural and essential vibes, just as the arteries of the world.
Agnes Varda talked about whether she was a feminist director in an interview. She said, “In this rampant age of feminism, I did not film the movies for declaring feminism. My movies are all about women, and that is because I am a woman. I am a woman and I understand women. That’s why I made the movies.”
The reason I made this portfolio is that I had been so deeply affected by Agnes Varda. Instead of merely disclosing the harshness and pain that many women experienced, I tried to tell true stories. The stories were sometimes so agonizing to tell, yet they were so distinctly precious for me. That was why I made this portfolio.
As time changes, how people interact around the world becomes different. However, it is undeniable that people still hurt each other when they love. In a society that gender equality has been gradually disseminated among the public, stories of being a physical woman still differ from other stories. I truly appreciate the stories of women.
Realities and stories are fettering to an inseparable braid, which is US.
Origin
To be honest, I don’t know why I always wear like I’m going to a funereal.
In oriental society, black is inauspicious. Women should be in red. For my parents, tradition is like a holy book, which is always true and respectful. They threw this book at my childhood, adolescence, and life. In the fragments I selected from Daddy, I feel those seemingly different yet similar repressions.
Selected text: Sylvia Plath< Daddy >
Color: 2d2c54 f49d6e 96465c
To be honest, I don’t know why I always wear like I’m going to a funereal. I know that he didn’t like it, but I still wore that black sweater often, which was given by my neighbor. He wanted to show me: he was GOD. God was something that took you to heaven when you were obedient, and that took you to hell when you were not.
So, my sweater had been thrown away.
“God is my Father.”
Until now, I still remember that day. I hold my fist and wanted to kill him. My tears were bursting with anger. I didn’t wish him dead. I wanted his love. I want to kill that GOD deep-rooted in him.
Sometimes I wanted to go back and tell them. I didn’t like that they decided my new clothing should be pink without asking me. Tell them that they looked black in my eyes. Tell them that every time they scolded me, I would be broken into pieces silently. They made me feel like I was too young to understand their selfish kindness. I didn’t know how to dress, what to study, and how to grow like a teenage girl. The only thing I knew was that the schoolwork and my parents were those glass pieces in my nightmare. Once I disobeyed, they would stuff the glass pieces into my throat without a reason, and then they left with the words: “It’s for your good! You should live up to your parents' expectations!”
I woke up. Those glass pieces were still clinging to my face. Tears hurt my eyes, and my tears were all black.
“ You saved me.”
Giving birth had been considered the most important mission in a woman’s life. “Mother’s virtue depends on her child.” This slang was a nightmare to all women, including my mother. I believed that every woman had to endure enormous pressure, either before or after pregnancy. Some chose to neglect, some ducked out, and some left. In The Yellow Wallpaper, I felt women’s pain and their male partner’s negligence.
Selected text: Charlotte Perkins＜ The Yellow Wallpaper ＞
Color: 4a7b9d ccbf68 54577c
“You saved me.”
My mother kept saying it for 20 years.
That was a time when I was too little to remember, Mother was stepping on the new grass carpet in our house, staring into the glittering but impermeable night in Taipei. She was pregnant with my brother and was holding my hand.
She intended to jump. Her throat was full of sorrow. Innumerable sorrow flowing in her blood, needles on the bottom of her foot. She tottered in her life.
Perhaps, Perhaps it was the care a mother could not get rid of. She said, “I looked at you for a while, and felt your brother kicking me. Maybe it was the moment I decided to live. You saved my life.”
My mother kept saying the same words and tried to persuade me: We were inseparable lives. As the old Chinese saying goes, “The flesh and blood are inseparable.”
Those feelings beyond memories—the insensible birth and inseparable death—were also torturing me. We were bound together. The fact was those women not so far away from me still bound their foot. Men neglected the deformed bones and the badly mutilated heart. Generation after generation, we abused each other, hoping we were alike: give birth and you will have a new life. Ah, you saved me.
We were going to live painfully together. The family was like this: no one would be abandoned, we were inseparable.
I cannot say/ I cannot stand.
In Taiwan, there is an indie band called Collage. In an interview, Natsuko, the lead vocalist, talked about her grandmother. She said that the language barrier had led to their estrangement. What she said and Elizabeth Bishop ‘s Sestina reminded me of my grandmother. Her face was vague, but that didn’t mean I didn’t love her. I believe that the grandmothers would return to our lives differently.
Selected text: Elizabeth Bishop <Sestina>
Color: c83e4d 435284
I cannot say/ I cannot stand.
Mother's tongue was gradually forgotten. The cramming and short-answer questions were what was left in history.
I didn’t remember when that was. You smiled at me and did not say anything. I could not remember your voice and could only faintly remember your hair. I could still smell the fragrance from the kitchen, but what you said was blurred.
Mother said you always stood at the end of Xinshu Road, not willing to leave until we got on the bus. The last time I saw you, you were on the bed in a room full of chemical odors. Just as Grandfather, you refused to talk. In my dream, death means loss of contact.
What if I could see you again. “Another night being alone. / Rain dropped endlessly on the street. / Memories were like the undulating sea. / Are you there?”
In my dream, I borrowed Mother’s tongue. I wanted to touch your heart and leave with you at the end of the street. This time, I would tattoo your words on my shoulder, never leaving them behind.
You were unsure if your mother loved you.
I once wrote in a poem: “Since the moment you left me, we were different individuals.” I believe that either the life-bore or the life-bearing was suffered.
Selected text: Sylvia Plath＜Morning Song＞
Color: f4b942 495867
You were unsure if your mother loved you or not. After all, our mouth is too far away from our heart. I knew that kinship didn’t come to real intimacy but more a genetic connection. It was a reciprocal relationship, which was so weak and so much beyond love.
I had a car accident in my junior year. I again cried to death in another morning. The injury was not simply a wound to cover with a bandage, nor could it be taken care of in the emergency room. You heard everyone’s blaming, to the degree that it seemed you just murdered someone. The avalanche of the world made you feel that even crying was shameful.
I didn’t intend to make you worry. I wanted to let you know that I was able to live independently. We could think of, take care of, and understand each other. We could be like friends, but we didn’t have to be bound together.
You didn’t say that. You said you were hurt. You said I never trusted you. You said it seemed that parents are so inconsequential. However, you never knew that I had been struggling with emotional disorders. Stay silent is the best I could do. Language is a knife. I didn’t want to drill holes in your heart.
“I don’t want to work hard anymore. Never.” That was what I wanted to say when I quarreled with you. I never felt you truly loved me. Once I was not who you wanted, you could get rid of me.
Those who hadn’t fallen asleep became stars under the mountains in Hualien. Life may not be satisfactory even we tumbled through the lifelong journey. The weakness of love always made it so hard for us that we were not willing to give up such a relationship.
The Victims
Why was I born with a hole?
Having a romantic relationship in high school was like being in the fog. We never listened and were never understood. Until we grew up, we knew that was a formidable catastrophe. In The Story of An Hour, the woman’s attitude toward her husband’s death was from heaven to hell. Such ups and downs were so similar to my painful enlightenment, which I came to recognize later. We had thought we were in paradise, but we were actually in the inferno.
Selected text: Kate Chopin ＜The Story of An Hour＞
Color: 11dbd5 522198 ef7ceb
Why was I born with a hole? The flaw was born; the nail was destined to stab into my sensitive heart.
“Shall a thirteen-year-old teenager have a romantic relationship?” That was the topic in one of the health education classes. My mother felt ridiculous. Why wouldn’t teenagers study and they were thinking of having a relationship? However, adolescence is the most fatuous period. The school romance dramas were filmed; parents and teachers thought that their refusal could impede our amorous adventure; girls increase their advantage in school by utilized those male seniors who were accused of “sexual predators”; boys thought they were undefeatable with the inherent gun......The reality of youth was so hilarious a decade later.
I was bewitched by his gun.
Guns are everywhere in men: brains, fingers, and penis. Those things on them would make me suffer, yet no one told me that. I thought because I was so adorable that he had to use his fingers to tear my pudenda; I thought I was not a virgin because he told me I didn’t bleed; I thought he filled my mouth with his fetid penis was because he loved me.
In the dampness of their mouths, there were malicious bullets. The hilarious adolescence. And those didactic but hypocritical adults skirted around the issues. At last, those men who laughed at me were all gone. They laughed at my hole and my defects, leaving me naked in the ditch, afraid of false sunlight desiccating my heart again.
Losing virginity. You thought you didn’t kill, but my innocuous heart towards the world was dead.
公牛之路 By 胡冠中
如果手指不是張成一張網，而是鋤頭般掘起溪底的底質，那麼原本四散的魚隻過不久反而會好奇地聚集過來。隨著不斷撥動，我的手邊很快有了一票觀眾，在飛揚的沙塵中伺機覓食，像是農忙後被吸引而來的鷺鷥或八哥。今天沒有看到牛港鰺，反而出現幾條鰭膜透著黃色的六帶鰺，我持續以指尖耕耘土地，牠們飛行，鳥群已然忘記如何降落。
我喜歡牛港這個名字 ，魁梧，結實，讀音的質感堅硬，兩個字咀嚼起來的滋味跟redbull一樣。所以即使夏曼．藍波安在書中都用「浪人鰺」來稱呼，我還是使用牛港，這是個句尾會自己迸出驚嘆號的名字，牛港！
牛隻充滿力量的意象經常被用於賦名，譬如俗稱「黑牛」的黑鯛、俗稱「牛」的鋸尾鯛，以及牛港鰺。牛港鰺這個名字來自閩南語的「牛犅」（gû-káng），意指公牛，因為釣上時拉力生猛而得名。牛港鰺的幼魚，理當是公牛之子，六帶鰺不是牛港，應該也算得上公牛的姪子。公牛姪子，應該是很威武的傢伙吧。
結果六帶鰺完全辜負牛港兩字，大溪川的出海口裡，每一條六帶鰺都活得相當卑微，蹭在隨便一條銀島鯻、銀紋笛鯛或是駝背胡椒鯛後面。姿態十足癟三。牛港鰺、六帶鰺等鰺魚閩南語又被稱作「瓜仔」，原因是這類魚釣上岸會呱呱叫，發出有點像是橡皮玩具的聲音，中文乾脆稱作「瓜瓜」。這個名字通常用在體型較小的個體身上，像是我眼前這條三指幅寬的六帶鰺。
瓜瓜呱呱，公牛變瓜瓜，我眼前的瓜瓜一號跟著條銀紋笛鯛，小雞一樣的眼神四處張望，直到發現跟丟對方才急忙歸隊，然而少他一個尾鰭長度的後者似乎沒有當母雞的意思。銀紋笛鯛穿過石縫，瓜瓜一號尾隨嘗試穿過石縫，卻忘記自己已經長大了。石縫太窄，瓜瓜一號一頭撞上，眼睜睜看著自己的母雞消失在黑暗中，只能呱呱倒車，越過石縫跟上蠻不在乎的銀紋笛鯛。
曾經看過一組射水魚的照片，照片中主角的跟班也是一條六帶鰺。之所以跟隨其他魚隻，或許是為了增加覓食的成功率。只是目前為止，我尚未觀察到六帶鰺真的因此撿到便宜。瓜瓜二號的母雞是一條銀島鯻，銀島鯻不鑽縫，用尖吻翻動石頭覓食。所以瓜瓜二號的額頭得以倖免其難，只需要跟好對象，人家吃飯時在飯桌旁邊呱呱呱呱。那張尖吻吸了又吸，濾食後的砂石從鰓蓋噴出，到底吃了甚麼啊？很好吃嗎？我問銀島鯻，可惜牠不會呱呱。
銀島鯻的最大體長約三十公分，但六帶鰺可是能夠長到一米以上的大魚，至於長達一百七十公分的浪人鰺甚至能以低空飛過海面的燕鷗為食。這些鰺魚的幼魚進入淡水避敵、覓食，等到體型成長再回到海中，以此作為一種生存的策略，一條無關卑賤與尊嚴的道路。河流本身作為一條道路，生物有時往上，有時往下，或者擱淺在無水的沿岸。或者回到海裡，線性的道路突然四面八方。
花蓮的三棧溪出海口裡也有一條浪人鰺。我躲在水草裡窺伺牠，看牠在封閉的沒口河裡逐漸成長，一枚釣客心中沉甸甸的果實。不遠處的定置魚場正販售牠海裡的同族，僵硬的身體就像是公牛的銅像。我知道對牠們而言賦名不是道路，生存才是。於是我選擇放下魚叉，讓牠在牠的路上，我在我的路上。
我也在我的路上，我在台二線上，在水畔，雙足步行，偶爾在不過膝的水裡匍匐前進，進入水深處失控前游追逐一條巴掌大的大口湯鯉。即使知道河無法成為我的路，我還是想來下水，看看瓜瓜到底會長成公牛還是大一號的癟三。我知道必須離開，但我還是想多在溪岸待一會兒。像是擱淺的鯨，蘇花公路上一顆固執的落石。海風吹來，我的身體於是起了一陣寒顫，像是一千萬尾幼魚游經我濕潤的毛髮。
註：指幅，指的是手指的寬度，釣客或漁民會以手指的數量描述魚隻腹部到背部的距離，藉此傳達魚隻大小。
If fingers did not stretch as a net but as a hoe digging the substrate of the creek bed, the scattered fishes would soon accumulate and back with curiosity. Plunking the creek, audiences come beside my hand in a moment; they playing a waiting game, foraging in the blowing sand, just as the heron and the crested myna who are attracted by the harvesting season. There is no giant trevally but only a few bigeye trevallies with yellowish fin membrane. I keep using my fingertip to cultivate the land; they fly, yet birds had already forgotten how to land.
I love the name “The buffalo,” it's burly, robust, and sounds so stiff. The word grazes like the taste of Redbull. Hence, although Syaman Rapogan calls it “The wanderer,” I still use “The buffalo,” a name that would be bursting with the exclamation mark: Buffalo
The powerful image of the buffalo has usually used in the nomenclature. For example, the Acanthopagrus schlegelii is called “The Black Buffalo;” the Prionurus scalprum called “the buffalo,” and the giant trevally. “The buffalo” comes from the Taiwanese dialect “gû-káng,” which means buffalo, and they are known for their powerful tensity when tugged into the fishing rod. The offspring of the giant trevally should be the son of the buffalo; Bigeye trevally is not the giant trevally but must be its nephew. The buffalo’s nephew is definitely a strongman.
However, the bigeye trevally totally betrays the name of “buffalo.” In the estuary of Da-xi River, every bigeye trevally lives submissively and as a groveling servant: following arbitrarily in each of the silver grunter, the mangrove red snapper, or the trout sweetlips. The giant trevally, the bigeye trevally, and other trevally fish are called “the quack” in the Taiwanese dialect, for they make a “quack quack” sound like a rubber-toy once being fished. Hence, people simply use “the quack” in Chinese to refer to the small trevally, like this three-fingerbreadth*-wide one right under my nose.
The quack quacking, the buffalo becomes the quack. The quack 1st in front of me is following the mangrove red snapper and looking around like a chicken; it meandering around then turns back to the queue when lost its leader. Yet the latter one, which is one-caudal-fin shorter than its follower, seems not willing to be a hen. The mangrove red snapper passes through the crevice, so the quack 1st follows, without noticing it has already grown up—the crevice is too narrow so the quack bumps it abruptly. The quack hopelessly watches the hen disappears into the darkness. Quacking, quacking. It reverses, passes the crevice then follows the insouciant mangrove red snapper.
I have seen pictures about an archerfish, whose follower is also the bigeye trevally. The reason they follow other fish may be to predate successfully. But until now I haven’t found the bigeye trevally have succeeded. The hen of the quack 2nd is a silver grunter. The silver grunter doesn’t squeeze the crevice but uses its sharp mouth flipping rocks to forage; therefore, the forehead of the quack 2nd, fortunately, be spared. What it needs is to follow a good target and keep quaking beside the dining table. That sharp mouth keeps sucking; sands spurt out from the operculum after its filter-feeding. What did you eat? Was it delicious? I ask the silver grunter, yet it cannot quack.
The silver grunter can grow to 30 cm in length, whereas the bigeye trevally can reach over a meter long; even a 170 cm-length wanderer trevally can capture a low-flying tern for food. Their larva gets into freshwater to flee from the enemy, forage, and wait to grow up then return to the sea. They use this as a surviving strategy—a road that ignoble or noble does not matter. The river itself is a road: sometimes creatures moving upward, sometimes downward, or stranding at the droughty coast. Or they might return to the sea: where the linear road suddenly becomes boundless wide.
In the estuary of Yayung Pratan, Hualien, there also has the wanderer trevally. I hide in water weeds to peeking it, seeing it ripe in the lost river and become a heavy fruit in those fishermen’s hearts. The fishing ground of set net nearby is selling its kinsmen, whose bodies are ossified as the buffalo’s statue. I know, for them, the road is not for nomenclature but survival. I thus put down the harpoon; let it on its road, and my mine.
I am on my road, too. I am on the provincial highway 2; at the waterside and walking on foot, sometimes creeping forward in the knee-length water and chasing a hand-big rock flagtail before entering into deep water and losing control. Knowing that the river cannot be my road, I still want to go back to water and see whether the quack would grow up to the buffalo or a big beggar. I know I have to leave, but I want to stay on the coast a little longer like a stranding whale or a stubborn falling rock lying on the Suhua Highway. The sea breeze blowing, and my body thus quivering—like tens of millions of fish larva swimming pass through my moist hair.